OPINION:
      They
      use
      their
      ovens
      to
      bake
     
     
      Eskimo
      Pies.
     
    
   
   
    
     
      FACT:
      June
      is
      National
      Accordion
     
     
      Awareness
      Month
      2001.
      National
     
    
   
   
    
     
      Accordion
      Awareness
      Month
      (NAAM)
     
     
      was
      established
      in
      1989
      to
      help
      spread
     
     
      the
      word
      about
      the
      resurgence
      in
      popu-
     
     
      larity
      in
      the
      accordion
      and
      to
      educate
     
     
      people
      about
      the
      accordion.
     
    

    
     
      OPINION:
      It’s
      kind
      of-like
      Black
     
     
      History
      Month
      for
      white
      people.
     
    
   
   
    
     
         
     
    
   
   
    
     
      FACT:
      The
      first
      zoo
      in
      the
     
     
      USA
      was
      in
      Philadelphia.
     
    
   
   
    
     
      OPINION:
      In
      West
     
     
      Philadelphia,
      born
      and
     
     
      raised.
      In
      the
      zoo
      was
     
    
   
   
    
     
      where
      I
      spent
      most
      of
      my
     
     
      days.
      chillin’
      out,
      maxin’,
     
     
      relaxin’,
      or
      coolin’,
      or
     
     
      shootin’
      some
      b-ball
      out-
     
     
      side
      of
      the
      zoo,
      when
      a
     
     
      couple
      of
      guys,
      they
      were
     
     
      up
      to
      no
      good,
      started
      mak-
     
     
      ing
      trouble
      in
      my
      neigh-
     
     
      bourhood.
      I
      got
      in
      one
      little
     
     
      fight
      and
      my
      mom
      got
     
     
      scared.
      She
      said,
      “You’re
     
     
      moving
      with
      your
      auntie
     
     
      and
      uncle
      in
      Bel
      Air.”
     
    
   
   
    
     
       
     
    
   
   
    
     
       
     
    
   
   
    
     
       
     
    
   
   
    
     
      FACT:
      The
      piano
      accordion
      is
      the
      offi-
     
     
      cial
      musical
      instrument
      of
      the
      city
      of
     
     
      San
      Francisco
      and
      has
      been
      since
      1990.
     
     
      This
      year
      is
      the
      11th
      anniversary!
     
     
      OPINION:
      The
      unofficial
      musical
     
     
      instrument
      of
      San
      Francisco
      is
      the
     
     
      French
      meat
      whistle.
     
    
   
   
    
     
      FACT:
      There
      is
      no
      cure
      for
      the
      HIV
     
     
      infection
      yet.
     
    

    
     
      OPINION:
      Some
      people
      say
      that
      laugh-
     
     
      ter
      is
      the
      best
      medicine,
      but
      I
      bet
      those
     
     
      people
      never
      heard
      of
      crab
      shampoo.
     
    
   
   
    
     
      FACT:
      There
      has
      never
      been
      a
      single
     
     
      case
      documented
      in
      which
      HIV
      was
     
     
      transmitted
      by
      kissing.
     
    
   
   
    
     
      OPINION:
      What
      you
      call
      kissing,
      I
      call
     
     
      inflating
      my
      blow
      up
      doll.
     
    
   
   
    
     
      FACT:
      NuBody
      Cleavage
      Breast
     
     
      Enhancement
      Cream’s
      success
      rate
     
     
      reaches
      approximately
      85%
      of
      the
     
     
      women
      who
      use
      it
      as
      directed.
     
     
      OPINION:
      The
      women
      who
      don’t
      use
      it
     
     
      as
      directed
      have
      difficulty
      understand-
     
     
      ing
      the
      instructions:
      “Rub
      this
      stuff
      on
     
     
      your
      tits.”
     
    
   
   
    
     
      FACT:
      The
      word
      and
      appears
      46,277
     
     
      times
      in
      the
      Bible.
     
    

    
     
      OPINION:
      The
      only
      reason
      people
     
     
      should
      read
      the
      Bible
      is
      to
      count
      how
     
     
      many
      times
      certain
      words
      appear.
      Other
     
     
      than
      that
      it’s
      useful
      to
      hold
      windows
     
     
      open,
      or
      to
      throw
      at
      little
      kids.
     
    
   
   
    
     
       
     
    
   
   
    
     
       
     
    
   
   
    
     
       
     
    
   
   
    
     
      FACT:
      In
      the
      early
      1950s,
     
     
      coonskin
      caps
      were
      so
     
     
      popular
      that
      the
      price
      paid
     
     
      for
      raccoon
      tails
      jumped
     
     
      from
      25
      cents
      per
      pound
      to
     
     
      8
      dollars
      per
      pound.
     
    

    
     
      OPINION:
      Now,
      you’d
      have
     
     
      to
      get
      a
      store
      owner
      pretty
     
     
      drunk
      before
      they’d
      sell
     
     
      you
      a
      pound
      of
      racoon
      tails
     
     
      for
      8
      dollars.
      That’s
      why
      |!
     
    
   
   
    
     
       
     
    
   
   
    
     
       
     
    
   
   
    
     
      grow
      my
      own.
     
    
   
   
    
     
       
     
    
   
   
    
     
      _
      FACT:
      When
      a
      horned
      toad
      is
      angry,
      it
     
    
   
   
    
     
      squirts
      blood
      from
      it’s
      eyes.
     
     
      OPINION:
      I
      do
      the
      same
      thing
      when
      I
     
     
      get
      aroused.
     
    
   
   
    
     
      FACT:
      The
      human
      body
      weighs
      forty
     
     
      times
      more
      than
      the
      brain.
     
     
      OPINION:
      Fat
      people
      have
      huge
     
    
   
   
    
     
      brains.
     
    
   
   
    
     
      FACT:
      4,000
      people
      are
      injured
      by
     
     
      teapots
      each
      year.
     
    

    
     
      OPINION:
      Teapots
      don’t
      kill
      people.
     
     
      Stupid
      fuckers
      that
      don’t
      know
      how
     
     
      make
      tea
      kill
      people.
     
    
   
   
    
     
       
     
    
   
   
    
     
      along
      with
      Alligator
      Al
      and
     
     
      Aunt
      Bird,
      left
      the
      Mr.
      Dress-
     
    
   
   
    
     
      up
      show
      when
      _
      Judith
     
     
      Lawrence,
      their
      creator
     
     
      and
      puppeteer,
      retired.
     
     
      According
      to
      Ernie
     
     
      Coombs,
      the
      puppets
      were
     
     
      extensions
      of
      Lawrence’s
     
     
      personality,
      so
      there
      was
     
     
      never
      any
      question
      of
      any-
     
     
      one
      else
      performing
      Casey
     
     
      and
      Finnegan.
     
    

    
     
      OPINION:
      Before
      retiring,
     
     
      the
      Canadian
      Broadcasting
     
     
      Corporation
      had
      Judith
     
     
      Lawrence’s
      hands
      cut
      off.
     
    
   
   
    
     
       
     
    
   
   
    
     
       
     
    
   
   
    
     
       
     
    
   
   
    
     
      FACT:
      The
      ostrich
      has
      a
      46-foot-long
     
     
      small
      intestine.
     
     
      OPINION:
      Wow.
      If
      that’s
      how
      long
      its
     
     
      small
      intestine
      is,
      it
      must
      have
      a
      huge
     
     
      large
      intestine.
     
    
   
   
    
     
      FACT:
      The
      large
      intestine
      is
      pretty
     
     
      damn
      big.
     
     
      OPINION:
      Oh
      Jesus.
      How
      big
      are
      its
     
    
   
   
    
     
      eggs?
     
    
   
   
    
     
      FACT:
      I
      don’t
      know.
      I
      didn’t
      notice
      any
     
     
      eggs
      when
      I
      ran
      over
      it
      with
      my
      car.
     
     
      OPINION:
      Poor
      guy.
      Why’d
      the
      ostrich
     
     
      cross
      the
      road?
     
    
   
   
    
     
      FACT:
      Stop
      it.
      You’re
      not
      supposed
      to
     
     
      talk
      to
      me.
      Just
      keep
      writing,
      and
      please
     
     
      try
      not
      to
      quote
      The
      Fresh
      Prince
      of
      Bel
     
     
      Air
      anymore.
      That
      was
      really
      stupid.
     
    

    
     
      OPINION:
      That’s
      just
      your
      opinion.
      I
     
    
   
   
    
     
      bet
      there
      are
      some
      losers
      reading
      this
     
     
      right
      now
      that
      thought
      it
      was
      clever.
     
    
   
   
    
     
      FACT:
      The
      only
      reason
      you
      wrote
      it
      is
     
     
      because
      you’re
      running
      out
      of
      material.
     
     
      When
      you
      can’t
      think
      of
      something
     
     
      funny
      to
      say.
      You
      curse,
      tell
      dirty
      jokes,
     
     
      and
      have
      conversations
      with
      yourself
      in
     
     
      the
      middle
      of
      the
      column.
     
    

    
     
      OPINION:
      Eat
      a
      bowl
      of
      dicks.
     
    
   
   
    
     
      FACT:
      Gabriel
      Fahrenheit
      invented
      the
     
     
      mercury
      thermometer.
     
    

    
     
      OPINION:
      I’ll
      bet
      that
      he
      was
      the
      type
     
     
      of
      guy
      who,
      in
      the
      middle
      of
      a
      snow
     
     
      storm,
      would
      come
      up
      to
      you
      and
      say,
     
     
      “Cold
      enough
      for
      you?”
      Then
      you
      tell
     
     
      him
      “I
      don’t
      speak
      English.
      Fuck
      off.”
     
     
      Then
      he
      says,
      “Where
      are
      you
      from?”
     
     
      Then
      you
      say,
      “I
      just
      told
      you
      I
      can’t
     
     
      speak
      English.
      How
      the
      hell
      do
      you
     
     
      think
      I
      can
      tell
      you
      where
      I’m
      from,
      if
      I
     
     
      can’t
      understand
      your
      language?
      Fuck
     
     
      off.”
     
    
   
   
    
     
       
     
    
   
   
    
     
      FACT:
      Ten
      percent
      of
      the
     
     
      Russian
      government’s
     
     
      income
      is
      derived
      from
      the
     
     
      sale
      of
      vodka.
     
    

    
     
      OPINION:
      Russian
      is
      not
      a
     
     
      real
      language.
      It
      is
      actually
     
     
      the
      slurred
      English
      of
      a
     
     
      bunch
      of
      alcoholics.
     
    
   
   
    
     
       
     
    
   
   
    
     
       
     
    
   
   
    
     
       
     
    
   
   
    
     
      FACT:
      Toilet
      paper
      was
      invented
      in
     
     
      1857.
     
    

    
     
      OPINION:
      The
      National
      Post
      is
      the
     
     
      only
      other
      paper
      designed
      for
      arseholes.
     
    
   
   
    
     
      [23]
     
    
   
   
    
     
      imi