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      FACT:
      Starfish
      have
      no
      brains.
     
     
      OPINION:
      What
      they
      lack
      in
      smarts,
     
     
      they
      make
      up
      for
      with
      five
      cocks.
     
    
   
   
    
     
      FACT:
      Dr.Seuss
      pronounced
      “Seuss”
      so
     
     
      it
      rhymed
      with
      “rejoice.”
     
    

    
     
      OPINION:
      And
      he
      pronounced
      “Green
     
     
      eggs
      and
      ham”
      so
      it
      rhymed
      with
      “I
     
     
      carry
      my
      gat
      in
      case
      of
      suckas.”
     
    
   
   
    
     
      FACT:
      Dolphins
      sleep
      with
     
     
      one
      eye
      open.
     
    

    
     
      OPINION:
      So
      if
      you
      want
      to
     
     
      hump
      one,
      sneak
      up
      on
      the
     
     
      side
      where
      the
      eye
      is
     
     
      closed.
     
    
   
   
    
     
       
     
    
   
   
    
     
      FACT:
      An
      iguana
      can
      stay
      under
      water
     
     
      for
      28
      minutes.
     
    

    
     
      OPINION:
      It’s
      quicker
      to
      kill
      one
      by
     
     
      throwing
      a
      rock
      at
      it.
     
    
   
   
    
     
      FACT:
      New
      Jersey
      has
      a
      spoon
      muse-
     
     
      um
      with
      over
      5,400
      spoons
      from
      almost
     
     
      all
      of
      the
      states.
     
    

    
     
      OPINION:
      Man,
      if
      I
      could
      only
      get
      into
     
     
      that
      spoon
      museum,
      I’d
      have
      enough
     
     
      spoons
      to
      start
      the
      coolest
      band.
     
    
   
   
    
     
      FACT:
      The
      Eiffel
      Tower
      has
      2.5
      million
     
     
      rivets
      in
      it.
     
    

    
     
      OPINION:
      Rivets?
      I
      thought
      French
     
     
      people
      were
      called
      Frogs.
     
    
   
   
    
     
      FACT:
      It
      takes
      3,000
      cows
      to
      supply
      the
     
     
      NFL
      with
      enough
      leather
      for
      a
      year’s
     
     
      supply
      of
      footballs.
     
    

    
     
      OPINION:
      It
      takes
      4,000
      baby
      seals
      to
     
    
   
   
    
     
      [22]
     
    
   
   
    
     
       
     
    
   
   
    
     
       
     
    
   
   
    
     
      The
      Best
      of
     
     
      Fact
      and
      Opinion
      =
     
    
   
   
    
     
      supply
      the
      NHL
      with
      hockey
      pucks.
     
    
   
   
    
     
      FACT:
      Some
      lions
      mate
      over
      50
      times
      a
     
     
      day.
     
    

    
     
      OPINION:
      Most
      Australians
      say
      the
     
     
      word
      mate
      over
      50
      times
      a
      day.
     
     
      Coincidence?
      I
      think
      not.
     
    
   
   
    
     
      FACT:
      A
      stretched-out
      Slinky
      is
      87
      feet
     
     
      long.
     
    

    
     
      OPINION:
      If
      you
      give
      kids
      a
      spring
      that
     
     
      is
      87
      feet
      long
      and
      call
      it
      a
      toy,
      you
     
     
      shouldn’t
      be
      surprised
      if
      they
      take
      out
     
     
      their
      aggressions
      by
      shooting
      their
     
     
      classmates.
     
    
   
   
    
     
       
     
    
   
   
    
     
       
     
    
   
   
    
     
       
     
    
   
   
    
     
      FACT:
      The
      average
      speed
     
     
      of
      Heinz
      ketchup
      leaving
     
     
      the
      bottle
      is
      25
      miles
      per
     
     
      year.
     
    

    
     
      OPINION:
      That’s
      almost
     
     
      faster
      than
      Terry
      Fox.
     
    
   
   
    
     
       
     
    
   
   
    
     
       
     
    
   
   
    
     
       
     
    
   
   
    
     
      FACT:
      Clans
      of
      long
      ago
      that
      wanted
      to
     
     
      get
      rid
      of
      their
      unwanted
      people
      without
     
     
      killing
      them
      would
      burn
      their
      houses
     
     
      down—hence
      the
      expression
      “to
      get
     
     
      fired.”
     
    

    
     
      OPINION:
      Now,
      if
      someone
      wants
      to
     
    
   
   
    
     
      get
      rid
      of
      someone
      without
      killing
     
     
      thern,
      then
      they
      throw
      tennis
      balls
      at
     
     
      them
      during
      breakfast—hence
      the
     
     
      expression
      “get
      your
      balls
      out
      of
      my
     
     
      cereal.”
     
    
   
   
    
     
       
     
    
   
   
    
     
       
     
    
   
   
    
     
       
     
    
   
   
    
     
      FACT:
      There
      are
      more
      cows
     
     
      in
      Vermont
      than
      people.
     
     
      OPINION:
      I
      like
      those
      odds.
     
    
   
   
    
     
       
     
    
   
   
    
     
       
     
    
   
   
    
     
       
     
    
   
   
    
     
      FACT:
      The
      average
      age
      of
      top
      GM
     
     
      executives
      in
      1994:
      49.8
      years.
      The
     
     
      average
      age
      of
      the
      Rolling
      Stones:
      50.6.
     
     
      OPINION:
      I'll
      bet
      that
      when
      GM
      exec-
     
     
      utives
      say
      “corporate
      merger”
      they’re
     
     
      really
      talking
      about
      screwing
      their
     
     
      groupies.
     
    
   
   
    
     
      FACT:
      If
      the
      population
      of
      China
     
    
   
   
    
     
      walked
      past
      you
      in
      single
      file,
      the
      line
     
     
      would
      never
      end
      because
      of
      the
      rate
      of
     
     
      reproduction.
     
    

    
     
      OPINION:
      The
      Chinese
      get
      their
      freak
     
     
      on
      in
      line
      ups?
      I
      wish
      the
      line
      up
      for
      the
     
     
      Registrar’s
      Office
      was
      like
      that.
     
    
   
   
    
     
      FACT:
      No
      word
      in
      the
      English
      lan-
     
     
      guage
      rhymes
      with
      month.
     
    

    
     
      OPINION:
      That’s
      why
      rappers
      target
     
     
      women
      instead
      of
      calendars.
      The
      word
     
     
      hoe
      rhymes
      with
      practically
      anything.
     
    
   
   
    
     
      FACT:
      Michael
      Jordan
      makes
      more
     
     
      money
      from
      Nike
      annually
      than
      all
      of
     
     
      the
      Nike
      factory
      workers
      in
      Malaysia
     
     
      combined.
     
    
   
   
    
     
      OPINION:
      That’s
      why
      he’s
      considered
     
     
      a
      hero.
      Most
      people
      don’t
      even
      realize
     
     
      that
      he
      used
      to
      play
      basketball.
     
    
   
   
    
     
      FACT:
      The
      longest
      name
      4s:
     
     
      Rhoshandiatellyneshiaunneveshenk
     
     
      Koyaanisquatsiuth
      Williams.
      The
      girl
     
     
      was
      born
      in
      Texas
      and
      the
      name
      is
      sup-
     
     
      posed
      to
      have
      a
      mixture
      of
      her
      mother’s
     
     
      best
      moments.
     
    

    
     
      OPINION:
      If
      I
      tried
      putting
      my
      best
     
     
      moments
      in
      the
      name
      of
      my
      child,
      I
     
     
      would
      end
      up
      naming
      the
      kid
      Naked
     
     
      Treeclimbing.
     
    
   
   
    
     
       
     
    
   
   
    
     
       
     
    
   
   
    
     
      FACT:
      7.5
      million
      tooth-
     
     
      picks
      can
      be
      made
      from
     
     
      one
      cord
      of
      wood.
     
     
      OPINION:
      If
      |
      had
      wooden
      |
     
     
      teeth,
      would
      I
      need
      to
      use
     
     
      a
      toothpick
      made
      out
      of
     
     
      real
      teeth?
     
    
   
   
    
     
       
     
    
   
   
    
     
       
     
    
   
   
    
     
       
     
    
   
   
    
     
      FACT:
      There
      are
      only
      48
      natural
      skin
     
     
      tones.
     
    

    
     
      OPINION:
      It’s
      silly
      to
      judge
      someone
     
     
      by
      their
      skin
      tone
      because
      underneath
     
     
      we’re
      all
      just
      goo
      and
      slime.
     
    
   
   
    
     
      FACT:
      Eskimos
      use
      refrigerators
      to
     
     
      defrost
      food.