For
      the
      majority
      of
      my
     
     
      years
      I’ve
      been
      the
      specimen
      of
     
     
      healthy
      living.
      I’ve
      always
      smoked
     
     
      apple-
      scented
      tobacco
      to
      get
      my
     
     
      daily
      dose
      of
      vitamin
      B,
      I
      eat
      three
     
     
      meals
      of
      beef
      daily,
      and
      I
      always
     
     
      wash
      my
      hands
      before
      cleaning
      my
     
     
      teeth.
      Needless
      to
      say,
      I
      was
      flab-
     
     
      bergasted
      when
      my
      general
      practi-
     
     
      tioner
      told
      me
      I
      had
      a
      bad
      case
      of
     
     
      the
      Ebola
      virus,
      and
      that
      I
      needed
      to
     
     
      stay
      home
      from
      work
      for
      a
      couple
     
     
      of
      days
      to
      recover.
      :
     
    

    
     
      Now
      back
      in
      my
      day,
      if
     
     
      somebody
      was
      sick,
      they
      would
     
     
      sooner
      vote
      for
      a
      Liberal
      than
      stay
     
     
      home
      in
      bed.
      The
      general
      consen-
     
     
      sus
      was
      that
      you
      if
      you
      put
      your
     
     
      guard
      down
      for
      a
      second,
      then
      the
     
     
      whole
      country
      would
      be
      taken
      over
     
     
      by
      the
      Reds.
      “Idle
      hands
      will
      be
      cut
     
     
      off
      by
      Communist
      China,”
      was
      a
     
    
   
   
    
     
      popular
      slogan
      at
      the
      time.
     
    

    
     
      As
      a
      result,
      the
      workplace
     
     
      had
      special
      quarantined
      sections
     
     
      for
      ill
      people
      and
      their
      bacteria.
      We
     
     
      used
      to
      call
      them
      the
      “Unholy
     
     
      Departments
      of
      the
      Damned,”
     
     
      because
      scientists
      had
      yet
      to
      name
     
     
      the
      various
      illnesses
      infecting
      the
     
     
      workplace.
      A
      Roman
      Catholic
     
     
      priest
      was
      on
      hand
      to
      perform
      exor-
     
     
      cisms
      on
      account
      of
      the
      lack
      of
     
     
      medical
      knowledge
      at
      the
      time.
     
     
      Back
      then,
      if
      someone
      had
      carpal
     
     
      tunnel
      syndrome,
      we’d
      chop
      their
     
     
      cursed
      hands
      off
      and
      send
      them
     
     
      back
      to
      work
      after
      giving
      them
      a
     
     
      shot
      of
      whiskey.
     
    

    
     
      Nowadays
      you
      have
     
     
      “experts”
      informing
      us
      that
      it’s
      not
     
     
      healthy
      to
      work
      during
      weekends,
     
     
      that
      children
      under
      fourteen
     
     
      shouldn’t
      be
      working
      (Who
      the
     
     
      heck
      else
      will
      clean
      my
      chimney?),
     
     
      and
      that
      pregnant
      women
      should
     
     
      not
      carry
      heavy
      objects.
      I
      say
     
     
      Maple
      Leaf
      bologna.
      If
      there
      were
     
     
      conditions
      unsuitable
      for
      work,
     
     
      then
      God
      would
      have
      invented
     
     
      more
      mules.
      The
      way
      things
      are
     
     
      going
      now,
      I
      wouldn’t
      be
      surprised
     
     
      if
      someone
      tried
      to
      take
      my
      mule
     
     
      away
      from
      me
      for
      using
      it
      to
      clear
     
    
   
   
    
     
         
     
    
   
   
    
     
      snow
      from
      my
      driveway.
     
    

    
     
      People
      are
      getting
      lazy,
      and
     
     
      they
      keep
      making
      excuses
      so
      they
     
     
      won’t
      have
      to
      do
      as
      much
      work.
      “I
     
     
      was
      up
      late
      coughing
      up
      blood
      last
     
     
      night,”
      is
      the
      excuse
      my
      paperboy
     
     
      gave
      me
      for
      delivering
      my
      daily
     
     
      newspaper
      fifteen
      minutes
      late
      the
     
     
      other
      day.
      I
      refused
      to
      pay
      him,
      and
     
     
      threw
      a
      bucket
      of
      eels
      at
      him
      for
     
     
      being
      tardy.
     
    

    
     
      I’m
      writing
      this
      article
      with
     
     
      all
      sorts
      of
      bile
      building
      up
      in
      my
     
     
      lungs,
      but
      there’s
      nothing
      stopping
     
     
      me
      from
      washing
      down
      a
      few
      truck
     
     
      driver-strength
      pep
      pills
      with
      Fishy
     
     
      Pete’s
      Brain
      Tonic.
      I
      tried
      a
      few
     
     
      lozenges,
      but
      they
      tasted
      too
      much
     
     
      like
      children’s
      candy.
      I
      don’t
      trust'a
     
    
   
   
    
     
      ager
     
    
   
   
    
     
      medicine
      that
      doesn’t
      burn
      your
     
     
      tongue
      and
      leaves
      an
      aftertaste
      like
     
     
      the
      Atlantic
      Ocean.
     
    

    
     
      So
      for
      all
      of
      you
      lazy
      pink
     
     
      sickbags
      slowly
      turning
      green,
      get
     
     
      out
      of
      your
      bed
      and
      get
      back
      to
     
     
      work,
      or
      before
      you
      know
      it,
      the
     
     
      Russians
      will
      invade.
      I
      wouldn’t
      be
     
     
      surprised
      if
      the
      virus
      that
      is
      current-
     
     
      ly
      turning
      my
      knuckles
      red
      and
     
     
      shrinking
      my
      genitals
      was
      some
     
     
      sort
      of
      communist
      concoction
      that
     
     
      somehow
      found
      its
      way
      in
      my
     
     
      drinking
      water.
      Ill
      be
      damned
      if
     
     
      they
      catch
      me
      lying
      down
      on
      the
     
     
      job.
     
    
   
   
    
     
       
     
    
   
   
    
     
      Put
      that
      in
      your
      pipe
      and
     
     
      smoke
      it,
      Elian
      Gonzalez.
     
    
   
   
    
     
       
     
    
   
   
    
     
       
     
    
   
   
    
     
       
     
    
   
   
    
     
      a
     
    
   
   
    
     
      |
      Fence
     
    
   
   
    
     
      *-F
     
    
   
   
    
     
      de
      OE
      REE
      OE
      PH
      ECM
      SEE
      HS
      SS
     
    
   
   
    
     
      Ae
      a
      RR
      RO
      ae
      ae
      eee
      ee
      Re
      te
     
    
   
   
    
     
      At
      al
      ihm
      a
      ie
      le
     
    
   
   
    
     
       
     
    
   
   
    
     
      ee
      ee
     
    
   
   
    
     
      et
      ee
      ee
      tt
      ee
      oe
     
    
   
   
    
     
       
     
    
   
   
    
     
      ..----The
      Faction.
      ..__3
     
     
      Svea
      Ose
      o7
     
    
   
   
    
     
      <«o
     
    
   
   
    
     
      *