Beer
      Drinking
      Down
      One
      Quarter
      in
      Marian
      Hall
     
    
   
   
    
     
      by
      Michael
      MERRITT
     
    
   
   
    
     
      Who
      would
      ever
      have
      thought
     
     
      that
      these
      words
      could
      be
      written:
      beer
     
     
      drinking
      down
      one
      quarter
      in
      Marian
     
     
      Hall.
      But
      the
      sad
      truth
      is
      that
      students
     
     
      are
      not
      drinking
      as
      much
      as
      they
      used
     
     
      to.
      ;
     
     
      Recently
      a
      large
      moving
      van
     
     
      drove
      up
      to
      UPEI
      campus
      residence
     
    

    
     
      Marian
      Hall,
      population
      forty-two
     
     
      males,
      and
      collected
      all
      the
      empty
      bot-
     
     
      tles.
      A
      small
      army
      of
      volunteers
      was
     
     
      needed,
      and
      in
      record
      time
      was
      able
      to
     
     
      load
      the
      bottles.
      In
      total,
      a
      meagre
      203
     
     
      dozen
      beer
      bottles,
      or
      2,436
      individual
     
     
      empties,
      were
      collected.
      An
      unknown
     
     
      quantity
      of
      pint
      and
      quart
      bottles
      were
     
     
      taken
      —
      approximately
      85
      of
      each.
     
     
      Most
      shocking
      to
      all
      who
      watched
      the
     
     
      removal
      was
      the
      discovery
      of
      16
      wine-
     
     
      cooler
      bottles;
      no
      one
      claimed
      respon-
     
     
      sibility
      for
      their
      consumption.
     
    

    
     
      These
      bottles
      were
      removed
      in
     
     
      the
      first
      week
      of
      April,
      and
      while
      the
     
     
      quantity
      removed
      may
      at
      first
      seem
     
     
      impressive,
      the
      last
      date
      of
      removal
     
     
      must
      be
      considered.
      The
      student-des-
     
     
      ignated
      leader
      informed
      me
      that
      the
     
     
      last
      load
      of
      bottles
      was
      removed
      after
     
     
      Super-Bowl
      Sunday,
      on
      February
      2nd.
     
     
      In
      approximately
      sixty
      days,
      203
     
     
      dozen
      bottles
      of
      beer
      were
      drunk.
      For
     
     
      a
      dorm
      with
      42
      males
      in
      it,
      many
      of
     
    
   
   
    
     
      them
      underage,
      one
      might
      expect
      this
     
     
      to
      be
      a
      lethally
      high
      rate
      of
      consump-
     
     
      tion,
      but
      let
      us
      do
      the
      math.
     
    

    
     
      2,436
      bottles
      of
      beer
      divided
     
     
      by
      sixty
      days
      equals
      40.6
      bottles
      a
      day.
     
     
      Pathetic.
      There
      are
      forty-two
      guys
      in
     
     
      Marian,
      so
      if
      every
      student
      were
      to
     
     
      drink
      one
      beer
      a
      day,
      that
      would
      sur-
     
     
      pass
      the
      quantity
      removed
      by
      eighty-
     
     
      four.
      This
      assumes
      that
      every
      person
     
     
      in
      Marian
      is
      drinking
      the
      same
      amount
     
     
      every
      day.
     
    

    
     
      More
      reasonably,
      one
      would
     
     
      assume
      that
      the
      vast
      majority
      of
      drink-
     
     
      ing
      occurs
      on
      Friday
      and
      Saturday.
     
     
      Between
      Super
      Bowl
      Sunday
      and
      the
     
     
      first
      week
      of
      April
      there
      were
      eight
     
    
   
   
    
     
      Fridays
      and
      eight
      Saturdays.
      2,436
      .
     
    
   
   
    
     
      bottles
      of
      beer,
      divided
      by
      sixteen,
     
     
      equals
      152.25
      bottles
      of
      beer
      on
      an
     
     
      average
      night
      of
      drinking.
      That
      num-
     
     
      ber
      divided
      by
      forty-two
      residents
     
     
      equals
      3.625
      bottles
      of
      beer
      per
      person
     
     
      per
      party
      night.
     
    

    
     
      This
      assumes
      that.
      every
      per-
     
     
      son
      is
      drinking,
      but
      in
      my
      opinion
     
     
      3.625
      bottles
      of
      beer
      isn’t
      going
      to
      get
     
     
      you
      drunk,
      and
      I
      assume
      that
      the
      resi-
     
     
      dents
      are
      attempting
      to
      get
      drunk.
     
     
      Some
      people
      only
      take
      four
      bottles
      to
     
     
      get
      drunk,
      yet
      others
      can
      drink
      well
      in
     
     
      excess
      of
      a
      dozen.
      I
      feel
      10
      is
      a
      good
     
    
   
   
    
     
       
     
    
   
   
    
     
       
     
    
   
   
    
     
       
     
    
   
   
    
     
      The
      graph:
      Beer
      Drinking
      at
      Marian
      Hall
      Between
      2000
      and
      2002
     
    
   
   
    
     
       
     
    
   
   
    
     
      The
      recent
      removal
      of
      beer
      bottles.
     
    
   
   
    
     
      average
      for
      a
      male
      dorm.
     
    

    
     
      So
      on
      an
      average
      night
      of
     
     
      drinking,
      152.25
      bottles
      are
      drunk.
     
     
      That
      divided
      by
      the
      number
      to
      get
     
     
      drunk
      (10)
      equals
      15.225
      students
     
     
      drunk
      on
      a
      night
      of
      drinking.
      That
     
     
      number
      divided
      by
      the
      total
      number
      of
     
     
      students,
      multiplied
      by
      100,
      gives
      the
     
     
      percentage
      of
      people
      drunk
      on
      a
      party-
     
     
      night:
      36.25
      percent.
     
    

    
     
      Then
      we
      run
      into
      a
      problem
     
     
      experienced
      by
      many:
      the
      difficulty
      of
     
     
      drinking
      two
      nights
      in
      a
      row.
      The
     
     
      majority
      probably
      experience
      this,
     
     
      around
      75
      percent,
      so
      on
      the
      average
     
     
      weekend
      there
      are
      36.25
      percent
      of
     
     
      students
      drunk
      on
      Friday,
      then
      there
     
     
      needs
      to
      be
      substitution
      of
      drinkers
      for
     
     
      Saturday.
      This
      results
      in
      the
      majority
     
     
      of
      students
      drinking
      on
      the
      weekend.
     
    

    
     
      So
      63.4375
      percent
      of
      the
     
     
      guys
      (26.65
      guys)
      in
      Marian
      Hall
      are
     
     
      drunk
      on
      the
      weekend.
      And
      what
      does
     
     
      this
      prove?
      Well,
      when
      the
      initial
      facts
     
     
      are
      looked
      at
      it
      appears
      as
      if
      less
      then
     
     
      one
      bottle
      of
      beer
      is
      drunk
      per
      person
     
     
      per
      day.
      That
      would
      be
      pathetic,
      so
      my
     
     
      math
      has
      proven
      that,
      in
      fact,
      the
      vast
     
     
      majority
      of
      Marian
      Hallers
      are
      getting
     
     
      drunk,
      which
      is
      directly
      proportional
     
     
      to
      the
      dorms
      “coolness
      factor.”
      So,
     
     
      Marian
      Hall
      may
      be
      cool,
      solely
      for
     
    
   
   
    
     
      their
      beer
      drinking
      habits.
     
    

    
     
      But
      more
      beer
      could
      easily
      be
     
     
      drunk.
      In
      sixty
      days
      of
      mid-semester
     
     
      doldrums
      there
      are
      many
      opportunities
     
     
      to
      drink,
      and
      there
      should
      have
      been
     
     
      much
      more
      then
      203
      dozen
      beer
      bot-
     
     
      tles.
      Every
      one
      knows
      that
      a
      dorm
      is
      a
     
     
      non-stop
      party,
      but
      these
      figures
      make
     
     
      it
      out
      to
      be
      a
      mediocre
      party
      at
      best.
     
     
      Not
      the
      not-quite-party
      where
      every-
     
     
      body
      ends
      up
      playing
      video
      games
      or
     
     
      watching
      TV,
      but
      definitely
      not
      the
     
     
      party
      where
      strangers
      show
      up
      off
      the
     
     
      street
      and
      you
      rent
      a
      stomach
      pump
     
     
      and
      every
      piece
      of
      electronics
      gets
     
     
      pissed
      on.
      According
      to
      the
      math,
     
     
      Marian
      seems
      like
      a
      normal
      party.
     
    

    
     
      Granted,
      a
      lot
      of
      beer
      probably
     
     
      leaves
      the
      building,
      and
      a
      lot
      would
      be
     
     
      drunk
      at
      bars
      by
      the
      legal
      crowd.
      And
     
     
      then
      there
      is
      around
      ninety
      litres
      of
     
     
      hard
      liquor,
      which
      I
      have
      not
      account-
     
     
      ed
      for.
      And
      the
      sixteen
      wine-coolers.
     
     
      Why
      there
      would
      be
      sixteen
      coolers
      in
     
     
      a
      men’s
      dorm
      is
      beyond
      me,
      but
      no
     
     
      one
      knew
      where
      they
      came
      from.
     
     
      Assuming
      that
      girls
      drink
      coolers,
     
     
      then
      either
      very
      few
      girls
      have
      entered
     
     
      the
      dorm
      in
      sixty
      days,
      or
      there
      is
      a
     
     
      very
      effeminate
      guy
      in
      Marian
      who
     
     
      likes
      his
      coolers.
      Who
      knows?
      I’ve
     
     
      never
      set
      foot
      in
      the
      building.
     
    
   
   
    
     
      TS]