Fact
      and
      Opinion
     
    
   
   
    
     
      by
      Stephan
      MACLEOD
     
    
   
   
    
     
      FACT:
      Impotence,
      or
      Erectile
     
     
      Dysfunction,
      is
      a
      very
      common
      prob-
     
     
      lem
      affecting
      men
      of
      all
      ages.
     
     
      OPINION:
      Try
      explaining
      that
      to
     
     
      your
      distraught
      cellmate.
     
    
   
   
    
     
      FACT:
      90
      percent
      of
      all
      impotence
     
     
      can
      be
      linked
      to
      health-related
      ill-
     
     
      nesses
      such
      as
      diabetes,
      heart
      and
     
     
      vascular
      disease,
      hypertension
      med-
     
     
      ications,
      prostate
      cancer,
      pelvic
      trau-
     
     
      ma
      and
      surgery,
      and
      over
      200
      known
     
     
      prescription
      medications.
     
    

    
     
      OPINION:
      And
      ugly
      girls
      are
      a
      defi-
     
     
      nite
      turn-off.
     
    
   
   
    
     
      FACT:
      An
      estimated
      20
      to
      30
      million
     
     
      men
      in
      the
      United
      States
      suffer
      from
     
     
      impotence.
      OPINION:
      The
      rest
      of
     
     
      America
      is
      having
      sex
      with
      the
      wives
     
     
      and
      girlfriends
      of
      those
      flaccid
     
     
      cocked
      sons-of-bitches.
     
    
   
   
    
     
      FACT:
      60%
      of
      men
      who
      have
      had
     
     
      either
      a
      heart
      attack
      or
      open
      heart
      sur-
     
     
      gery
      will
      have
      impotence.
     
    

    
     
      OPINION:
      Real
      men
      don’t
      have
      heart
     
    
   
   
    
     
      attacks
      anyway.
      They
      get
      cancer,
      or
      at
     
     
      least
      a
      slight
      case
      of
      athlete’s
      foot.
     
    
   
   
    
     
      FACT:
      55%
      of
      men
      with
      diabetes
      will
     
     
      be
      impotent.
     
    

    
     
      OPINION:
      I
      don’t
      know
      what’s
     
     
      worse,
      not
      being
      able
      to
      eat
      mounds
     
     
      of
      icing,
      or
      having
      a
      flimsy
      franky.
     
    
   
   
    
     
      FACT:
      Urologists
      have
      discovered
     
     
      that
      vacuum
      devices
      such
      as
      the
     
     
      Vacuum
      Penis
      Pump
      offer
      the
      best
     
     
      option
      for
      men
      who
      suffer
      with
      impo-
     
     
      tence.
     
    

    
     
      OPINION:
      I
      recommend
      using
      a
     
     
      shop-vac,
      but
      that’s
      not
      an
      option
      if
     
     
      you
      ever
      want
      to
      fit
      in
      your
      pants
     
     
      again.
     
    
   
   
    
     
      FACT:
      A
      man
      needs
      sufficient
      levels
     
     
      of
      testosterone
      in
      order
      to
      have
      the
     
     
      desire,
      feel
      aroused,
      and
      to
      get
      an
     
     
      erection.
     
    

    
     
      OPINION:
      Muff
      always
      helps
      too.
      A
     
     
      whole
      lot
      of
      muff.
     
    
   
   
    
     
      FACT:
      Any
      physical
      or
      emotional
     
    
   
   
    
     
      Hawktaler&
     
     
      Couchtard
     
    
   
   
    
     
      Nin
      hate
      Couchtard!
     
    
   
   
    
     
      But
      they
      love
     
    

    
     
      being
      together.
     
    

    
     
      They
      really
      do...
     
    

    
     
      I
      mean
      they
      love
      it...
     
     
      Really
      love
      it...
     
    
   
   
    
     
      You
      can’t
      beleive
      how
      much
      they
     
     
      love
      being
      together,
      I
      mean
      really.
     
     
      They
      will
      even
      kiss.
      Kiss
      the
      love.
     
    
   
   
    
     
      menmnn
      N’aim
      pas
      Couchtard.
     
    
   
   
    
     
       
     
    
   
   
    
     
      factor
      that
      affects
      a
      man’s
      arteries,
     
     
      veins,
      nerves,
      or
      hormones
      can
     
     
      impact
      his
      erections.
      A
      man
      must
     
     
      allow
      himself
      to
      relax
      in
      order
      for
      the
     
     
      blood
      vessels
      of
      the
      penis
      to
      also
     
     
      relax
      so
      that
      he
      can
      get
      and
      maintain
     
     
      an
      erection.
     
    

    
     
      OPINION:
      Yeah,
      and
      if
      you
      would
     
     
      like
      a
      man
      to
      lose
      his
      erection
      remind
     
     
      him
      about
      relaxing
      his
      blood
      vessels.
     
    
   
   
    
     
      FACT:
      A
      discussion
      of
      the
      problem
     
     
      followed
      by
      a
      physical
      examination
     
     
      is
      the
      first
      step
      toward
      diagnosing
      the
     
     
      cause
      of
      the
      problem.
     
     
      OPINION:
      Admitting
      that
      you
      are
      a
     
     
      pansy
      is
      the
      next
      step.
     
    
   
   
    
     
      FACT:
      A
      man
      may
      apply
      a
      simple
     
     
      snap
      gauge
      that
      can
      reveal
      if
      the
     
     
      penis
      is
      becoming
      erect
      during
      the
     
     
      night.
      The
      normal
      male
      has
      about
      two
     
     
      or
      three
      erections
      a
      night.
      The
      snap
     
     
      gauge
      is
      a
      painless
      tool
      that
      unsnaps
     
     
      when
      the
      penis
      becomes
      erect,
     
     
      revealing
      that
      an
      erection
      occurred
     
     
      when
      the
      man
      was
      asleep.
      This
      can
     
     
      tell
      the
      physician
      that
      the
      man’s
     
     
      equipment
      is
      working,
      and
      that
      there
     
     
      may
      be
      another
      cause
      that
      is
      inter-
     
     
      rupting
      the
      natural
      erection
      process.
     
    

    
     
      OPINION:
      I
      had
      no
      idea
      snap
      gauges
     
     
      were
      designed
      to
      determine
      impo-
     
    
   
   
    
     
      tence.
      But
      why
      would
      my
      dentist
     
     
      insist
      that
      I
      use
      one...that
      dirty
      whore.
     
    
   
   
    
     
      FACT:
      According
      to
      Masters
      and
     
     
      Johnson,
      at
      least
      25
      to
      30
      percent
      of
     
     
      people
      in
      their
      60s
      have
      intercourse
     
     
      at
      least
      weekly.
     
    

    
     
      OPINION:
      There’s
      nothing
      wrong
     
     
      with
      old
      people
      having
      sex
      as
      long
      as
     
     
      they
      are
      both
      fully
      clothed.
     
    
   
   
    
     
      FACT:
      There
      are
      normal
      changes
      in
      a
     
     
      man’s
      sexual
      function
      as
      he
      gets
     
     
      older,
      but
      these
      are
      not
      impotence
     
     
      and
      do
      not
      mean
      he
      is
      going
      to
      lose
     
     
      his
      erectile
      ability
      (in
      other
      words,
     
     
      you
      don’t
      wear
      out
      your
      penis
      with
     
    
   
   
    
     
      age.)
     
    
   
   
    
     
      “OPINION:
      However,
      you
      can
      wear
     
    
   
   
    
     
      out
      your
      penis
      with
      a
      Black
      and
     
     
      Decker
      Sander.
     
    
   
   
    
     
      FACT:
      Although
      a
      man
      of
      60
      may
      not
     
     
      be
      able
      to
      run
      a
      mile
      as
      fast
      as
      when
     
     
      he
      was
      18,
      he
      should
      be
      able
      to
      cover
     
     
      the
      distance
      and
      may
      even
      enjoy
      the
     
     
      scenery
      more.
      The
      same
      goes
      for
      his
     
     
      wife,
      especially
      since
      she
      may
      appre-
     
     
      ciate
      the
      increased
      ease
      with
      which
     
     
      he
      can
      delay
      ejaculation.
     
    

    
     
      OPINION:
      Whoa
      now!
      Wait
      a
     
     
      minute!
      What’s
      this
      guy
      doing
      while
     
     
      he’s
      running?
     
    
   
   
    
     
       
     
    
   
   
    
     
      STAND-UP
      COMEDIAN:
      You
      ever
      see
     
     
      those
      American
      comedians?
     
    
   
   
    
     
      (Shaking
      his
      head.)
      American
     
     
      comedians,
      man,
      they
      crack
      me
      up.
     
    
   
   
    
     
      They’ve
      all
      got
      jokes
      about
     
     
      Canadians
      —
      polite
      and
      boring,
     
     
      that’s
      what
      they
      have
      to
      say
      about
     
     
      Canadians.
     
    
   
   
    
     
      (Mimicking
      an
      American
      accent.)
     
     
      You
      can
      always
      pick
      a
      Canadian
     
     
      out
      of
      a
      crowd:
      he’s
      the
      guy
      with
     
     
      the
      ugly
      golf
      shirt
      and
      the
      neatly
     
     
      pressed
      jeans
      from
      Sears,
      apologiz-
     
     
      ing
      for
      bumping
      the
      next
      in
      line
      to
     
     
      him
      while
      he
      waits
      to
      buy
      tickets
     
    
   
   
    
     
       
     
    
   
   
    
     
      Life’s
      Like
      That
     
    
   
   
    
     
       
     
    
   
   
    
     
       
     
    
   
   
    
     
      for
      The
      Barenaked
      Ladies.
     
    
   
   
    
     
      You
      know
      how
      to
      recognize
      an
     
     
      American?
      He’s
      the
      NRA
      member
     
     
      lying
      all
      over
      the
      floor
      of
      his
      living
     
     
      room
      with
      a
      bullet
      hole
      in
      his
      head
     
     
      and
      blood
      on
      the
      grey
      carpeting
      and
     
     
      matching
      sofa
      set,
      his
      wife
      standing
     
     
      over
      him
      with
      a
      chrome
      .357
     
     
      Magnum
      in
      her
      shaky
      hand
      and
      one
     
     
      bullet
      less
      than
      she
      had
      a
      few
      sec-
     
     
      onds
      ago,
      and
      the
      only
      real
      question
     
     
      is:
      Did
      she
      mistake
      him
      for
      an
     
     
      intruder,
      or
      is
      that
      just
      what
      she’ll
     
     
      tell
      the
      cops
      when
      they
      eventually
     
     
      arrive?
     
    
   
   
    
     
      (Wild
      Applause)
     
    
   
   
    
     
       
     
    
   
   
    
     
       
     
    
   
   
    
     
       
     
    
   
   
    
     
      the
      cadre
      13