And Mow, lor somethi

i complet:

Editor’s note: This article was previously published in its entire- ty in the April Sth, 2004 issue of The Cadre and is reprinted here in its updated form for the benefit of returning and new students here at UPEL.

...And so, it’s that time of year again. After a summer of a bit too much work and a little too much play, students once again, out of celebration or sheer dread flock to the doors of their faithful pubs to talk quietly (albeit incoherently) over a few drinks, and relive old times, or to drink to the point that they forget who they are, what they’ve been doing for the past few hours, and why the hell they remember absolutely nothing about the great Trews concert they keep hearing about. Whether you enjoy the occasional drink or whether you would rather just watch other peo- ple make idiots of themselves, drinking is an integral part of any University student’s life. Given our extensive experience in this particular field, we, Ryan Gallant and Adam Carragher, have decid- ed to write this article on alcohol and its effects on the average stu-

dent. I believe Homer Simpson -

put it best when he declared; “Beer: The cause of, and solution to, all of life’s problems.” 1) The Emotional Drunk: This is your ordinary, run of the mill, recent break-up, lost dog or _all-around bad summer sufferer. It is quite possible that you have never met this person in your life, but through the magic of alcohol,

‘ove TL. A University Student's Guide To Drinking

they feel compelled to share their entire life story with you, a story that is sure to be packed with tragedy and heart-wrenching nos- talgia. You can count’ on the Emotional Drunk to tell you the honest-to-God truth about pretty much anything. ~

How to deal: A hug or a pat on the back, and a sincere “Everything will be alright” usu- ally does the trick. If you want, they often can use a shoulder to cry on as well.

2) The Socialite: This drinker is everybody’s best friend. They may have just been in one of you classes back in high school, or maybe they went to camp with you back when you were 11, but now they are your long-lost buddy. Though even the most simple of handshakes can prove too elaborate for the extremely inebriated, everyone within reach gets one and washrooms suddenly become a hub of social activity. The no-conversation rule in men’s washrooms is quickly thrown right out the window: “Hey! You’re my _ neighbor’s cousin’s friend from Biology’s!” “HEY! No I’m not! But who cares?” High fives all around. These people make everyone’s night that much better, or at least a bit more interesting, whether

stumbling around like a moron

‘down Kent Street or around

Brown’s Court and the Queen

Street slums.

- How to deal: Just smile and nod, and let them have their fun.

3) The False Start: This

kind of drinker is a trooper. Someone

who has fought the battle well, but has ultimately lost. This is your typical chugger, someone who does not know the meaning of the phrase “cut-off”. For a minute there, this person is king of the world, running the race and winning. They’re social and inter- esting, perhaps a bit over-ambi- tious in terms of alcohol intake, but they seem alright. Then, all- of-a-sudden, it’s K.O., flat on their face, and out for the night. By the time they come-to, often in a flower bed or a pizza box, everyone’s gone home, the party’s over, and the pounding of the pre- vious nights’ music has taken up residence in their head. Perhaps it was exclusive to Bluefield, but these are the people who often would find themselves half in, half out of a tent, often with parts of their sneakers burnt, or who wound up in the middle of some farmer’s field missing key articles of clothing.

How to deal: Clothe the naked, feed the hungry. Shave an eyebrow? Optional.

4) Ten Feet Tall and Bulletproof (T.F.T.B.): Ever hear that song ‘Anything You Can Do I Can Do Better’? Yeah well so did this drinker, and they’re pret- ty sure that it applies directly to them. They can dance better, run faster, and fight tougher than any- one else in the history of mankind. They are obviously drop-dead sexy and 10x more charming when they’re drunk, and they often show off their

UPEI Cadre September 14, 2004 page 7

new-found invincibility and charm by throwing snowballs at cops and

by telling their hilarious jokes, often recounting them 10-12

times.

How to deal: They are the best thing since sliced bread. Tell them any different and they will not believe you.

5) The Horny Bastard: This is your typical ass-grabber and cheesy pick-up line user. They may have had a crush on you for awhile, or perhaps their alcohol-induced state has altered their perception from looking for an attractive mate with a sense of humor, to searching for anything with two feet and a heartbeat. Perhaps normally the shy and subdued type, this person often loses many of his/her inhibitions, with varying results. They often have interesting stories to hear about themselves the next day. How to deal: Tell them that you’re not interested... unless of course you are. If all else fails, a good punch to the head or a kick in the groin usually goes a long way in relaying your message. And so, as we enter a new school year, perhaps for the first time, or maybe for one last kick at the can, let us remember to embrace the good times, to learn from the bad, and whenever possible, to raise a glass in celebration of new acquaintances met, a fresh new slate, and another school year in the company of friends.

Drink Responsibly.

Have a good one! ryangallant@hotmail.com

: !