‘Due to popular request, the Genie of the Gem has come out of his astrological bottle once again and announced the destinies of hundreds of U.P.E.1. students. He has told us that this month, Uranus and Jupitar are in con- junction with the east side of the vee College, and Halley's Comet ‘pointing towards the Alumni im. Furthermore,’ there will be a complete solar eclipse on the planet Venus this month. Through this valuable data, he has been able to develop the following scientific appraisals of your per- sonalities.

YOUR HORRORSCOPE: CAPRICORN (Goat) December 22-January 19

You are a modern, mellow and carefree person who likes gor- geous blonds. In fact, you are so layed back that most Capricorns end up marrying old, ugly, bald people. Still; you are a trust- worthy and kind person by nature — you love animals. You often go to the zoo just Jo feed the bunnies

.. to the 1 ers. Mos: Capricorns are eater by Auler-bunnis. AQUARIUS (Water Bearer) January 20 — February 18

Great soliders, politicians, and leaders of the business world are ‘born under this sign, so naturally YOU will feel self-conscious and insecure. You idolize the ‘loating fat man in ‘Dune’ for his fac. condition, Picking your teei. gives you great satis‘action. You

are very cost conscious, thus you

save used Q-tips until they grow fuzzy again. Most Aquarians die of new diseases. PISCES (Fishes) February 19 — March 20

You are a staunch and upright person. This is because if you bend over, you will ‘split your pants. You were the alternate model for the Harvey Lazybones Participation commercials. You are easily embarassed, especially when you get stuck in revolving doors. Most Pisces make their living by posing, in ‘before’? pictures.

2 cactii and three nines

Your Horrorscope

ARIES (Ram) March 21 — April 19

You are’ an-extremely unlucky. person. If you-cross paths with a black cat today, the cat will have seven years bad luck. You are a good sportsman who is always a good loser. This is because you have had a lifetime of practice. The few friends that you-have left secrétly want to paint your nails and send you off first class mail to

Kingston Pennitentiary. Most Rams deserve to go there because they kill their friends.

TAURUS (Bull)

April 20 — May 20

You were born under Taurus, the Bull, which probably accounts for your flat appearance and personality. You drive a Chevette (and are proud of it). Your fa- vorite colour is brown, and you enjoy spending your Friday nights playing a game of ‘Guess who owns the shoe by the smell’’ just for the action. Most Tauruses die of boredom or become federal senators. GEMINI (Twins) May 21 — June 20

You are a good hunter, which is handy, because you will constant- ly have to hunt hard for a date, food and money. You are overdue for a major change in your life that. you richly deserve. Hope-

fully, someone with»no nose will change your old T-shirt for you. Still, you are very intelligent and you wear your ‘U’ University ring with great pride. Unfortu- nately for you, it stands for “‘Un-

employed, Unimportant and Ugly.” CANCER (Crab)

June 21 — July 22

You consider your strength to be enormous, but only your double chin can claim that title. The size of your double chin is only exceeded by vour bloated ego. You consider yourself to be strong, but it is only vour pu ent body odor that is sirong. You enjoy hearing yourself talk onone

‘

of the “‘infinite’’ topics that you are a “master r’’ in, but no one listens to you, because they know that you are a dork. LEO (Lion) July 23 — August 22

You are a/lonely person: whose feelings are easily hurt, especially if you are punched in your ugly face. Your lonely nature is largely due to your constant use of garlic, (and for your new fetish of squeezing other peoples zits which you picked up from an Aquarian last week). Your greatest happi- ness comes from working hard and overcoming obstacles, so don’t ex; uch happiness. VIRGO (Virgin) . August 23 — September 22

You are « not!> = generous

person. When ver You have a’told,

you never hesita‘e before giving it to others. You are very careful where you spend your money — thus all of your clothes are ‘hand- me-downs’ from the “Lee Family” — ‘Cheap Lee, Crude Lee and Ug Lee’’. You like to be looked up too, which is unfortunate, because you tend to be short in all respects. LIBRA (Balance) ‘September 23 — October 22 Libra’s produce many famous writers, musicians and artists — “but you are probably the excep- tion. You secretly fantasize about raiding the local Salvation Army clothes shop so that you can dress up as Madonna next Halloween. Your neon clothes makes. your friends want to hang you beside a nightclub. (You friends are prob- ably Scorpios). Most Libras marry rich dennks in »* htclubs. SCORPIO (Not Jack) vescuxs ee - November 21 You tend to be extroverted, and yo.. love to have crowds of people around you. Most Scorpio’s are pickpockets. Also, you are fear- less and strong. You do not know the meaning of the word ‘fear’ — you have to look it up: You enjoy ripping of Santa’s beard in front of hundreds of adoring children, (and then impersonating.him and

by Beckers and Stech

Berke be Shad. aaly

February 27, 1986'

=

making him look bad). Most Scorpios end up working for

Litton. SAGITTARIUS (Archer) November 22— December 21

You do not like to be dependent upon others, except for such ne- cessities as food, clothes, money and Juxury. You are generous to. a fault; Unfortariately, the fault“is that you never give anything away. You are ambitious for a high position. Most Sagittarians are on drugs, hotel window cleaners or both.

— HAPPY BIRTHDAY — .. The Genie of the Gem

TYPING SERVICES

Professional Services for any material Epglish/French

| Docume: Term Papers | Thesis Resumé” ga Financial Statements Spreadsheets Graphs Work done on Word Processor Changes made with minimum @& turnaround time Work edited for spelling ™ and grammar Photocopying available Documents available on Floppy Diskette (5 1/4 in.) Reasonable Rates For Information Calf! 566-1274 Week Nights: After 5:00 p.m.

Weekends — Anytime

Address: 49 Belvedere Avenue Charlottetoyn (1 block from K-Mart)

University of Alberta Scholarships for Graduate Studies

University of Alberta is a large university and research center offer-

ing a full range of academic programs to over 28,000 students. | Approximately 3,500 students are pursuing graduate studies through

the 75 departments which belong to the Faculty of Graduate Studies

and Research.

University of Alberta offers a large array of scholarships to superior graduate students, including the following

Graduate Faculty Fellowship an additional $2,000 per annum to

all graduate students who hold major awards from MRC.

NSERC, and SSHRC.

Approximately 60 Province of Alberta Graduate Scholarships and

Fellowships valued at $8,100 - $9,300,

ing Ph.D. students.

Approximately 20 Dissertation Fellowships of $11.500 for complet:

20 Andrew Stewart Prizes of $2,500 to”senior Ph.D. students in recognition of excellent research

‘Over 140 Alberta Heritage Medical Research Foundation Student.

ships of $12,000 (plus $2,500 research grant) to graduate

students in the medical sciences

Calendar. ,

Approximately 20 Izaak Walton Killam Memorial Scholarships of $11,500 available to Canadian and international graduate students

Many more major and minor awards listed in the’ Graduate

In addition, we have a fully competitive program of graduate

assistantships for teaching and research, and a program of re: travel support available to students.

For further information write to: Graduate Registrar

Faculty of Graduate Studies and Re:

University of Albert Edmonton, Alberta T6G 2/9

arch