The Last Horoscope You Will Ever Read: or the Pa- gan Guide to Armageddon

By Stephan MacLeod

Sagittarius 11/23 te 12/ 22

The eminent destruction of the world means romance is in the air, but not for you. She wasn’t joking when she said she wouldn’t sleep with you even if you were the last man on earth.

Capricorn 12/23 to 1/20 Minutes before the end of everything you will be mad at yourself for all those hours wasted watching Jonovision. .

Aquarius 1/21 to 2/19 Since we’re all going to die anyway, farting in public should be the least of your concerns.

Pisces 2/20 to 3/21 Reflect on the past and think about how those jerks that called you © “Saddlebags” in high school will all be annihi- lated.

Aries 3/22 to 4/20 Dress in black. It makes a fashion statement about the end of the world and it increases your chances of getting hit by a car at night.

Taurus 4/21to 5/21 When doomsday arrives, start telling people the truth about the size of

_ fheir bums.

Gemini 5/22 to 6/21 Y2K should be fun. Instead of worrying about whether or not your VCR will work, go to the senior citizens building and laugh at the people with malfunc- tioning pacemakers.

Cancer 6/22 to 7/23

If you hear the Great Big Sea’s version of the song “It’s The End of the World as We Know It” it is not a sign that world is going to end, just Great Big Sea’s career.

Leo 7/24 te 8/23

Of all the ways to die, you have to be stuck with the earth’s demise. But cheer up, it beats catching a sexually transmitted disease from a monkey.

Virgo 8/24 to 9/23

If you can’t beat them, join the mobs and loot your own convenience store on the final day of existence. Liberate your slushie machine.

Libra 9/24 to 10/23

A good joke when they drop the bomb, would be to ask your neighbor to rub sun tan lotion on your back.

Scorpio 10/24 to 11/22 Try not to worry about exams. When the world ends, that course you’re taking in German won’t help you.

Letter from the President

Dear Cadre:

I am pleased to respond to your request for a piece reflecting on my first five months in the President’s Office. My summary view is that UPEI is in very good shape as it heads into a new century.

I am - ona daily basis - appreciative of the fact that we have the highest quality people and programs. Our students, staff and fac- ulty are the main con- tributors to UPEI’s status as a great small university. Let me offer some examples of how people, making a special effort, contribute to the well-being of the Uni- versity.

*The New Student Orientation was a huge success this year, dem- onstrating the enthusi- asm of our incoming students, and the parti- sanship of the upper year organizers. In particular, the special efforts of co- chairs Ryan Sataki (sic) and Nancy Buckle made this the best NSO ever.

*Last week, Bruce Norton and Dave Snowie stepped down after seven years as UPEI men’s soccer coaches. Bruce and Dave exemplify the special efforts that our athletics coaches - and players - make to repre- sent the University and to build school spirit. One area where we need to improve is in the measure of student support for our athletics teams.

*It is a priority of the Students Union and the University to achieve a new Student Centre. The SU executive has been diligent in moving that forward, with a particular priority on

putting the resources in place to proceed with construction. Over the years, SU Manager Heather Love has been the key keeper of the flame for the Student Centre.

This fall, UPEI faculty and staff con- ducted a financial cam- paign in support of the new Student Centre. The campaign was led by Vianne Timmons and Mel Gallant, together with a dedicated team across the University. The campaign was an occasion to build UPEI spirit through such events as a Murder Mystery (donated by student Francois Webber), a barbecue, a hockey game, and a concert by Barachois.

*In early July, I wrote to each UPEI employee, asking them to send me a one-page note telling me what they do and what gives them a sense of pride in the University. The responses were enthusi- astic, with secretaries, professors, custodial staff, coaches, techni- cians, librarians, and people from across the University telling me that UPEI is a “gem,” and telling me of their special pride in seeing our students do well.

*In October, we formed an inaugural group of UPEI Ambas- sadors, a group of gradu- ates and supporters from across Canada. The Ambassadors have taken up many special efforts. For example, this week there will be a big event in Alberton (700 invita- tions have been sent out, with a view to establish- ing a scholarship to support a student from West Prince studying at UPE]I). A similar event

in Calgary in late Octo- ber raised $50,000 for UPEI. Last week, there was a very successful alumni gathering in Halifax.

eOver the past month, I have been through my first budget process. This is when one really gets to know about the talent across the University, and about the special efforts that have been made, and continue to be made, to ensure that UPEI does well. within a tight resource context. It is an enormous credit to all at UPEI, including stu- dents, that the University has done so well, and has managed its re- sources so well, ina time of declining support from both levels of government.

*Over the past months, I have taken part in classes in areas as

diverse as Religious Studies, International Relations and Psychol- ogy. I thoroughly enjoy this exposure to students and to the quality of teaching at UPEI. I look forward to taking part in more classes in the new semester.

These snapshots provide an insight into the commitment and special efforts of so many people, and into what it takes to make this a great small univer- sity. They also offer an explanation of why UPEI will do well in its new century, and why it is such a privilege to serve as president. In closing, I wish all stu- dents success in their end-of-semester evalua- tions, and I look forward to seeing you all back happy and healthy, and fall of enthusiasm, in our new century.

Wade MacLauchlan

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