Beware the Ides of J anuary

)kay, it’s anew year, so what do we all run out and buy? fou guessed it, calendars (there’1l be a hot time in the |d student newspaper tonight). So to kick off the year, he X-Press brings you a look at some of the wilder and yackier date-minders on the market.....

ep Thoughts 1995 Calendar jurday Night Live’s deep thinker, Jack andey, was one of the funniest things on that pundering program the last time I looked hough that isn’t saying much these days). his page-a-day calendar (one page per week- d) collects 312 of Handey’s trademark ee like ‘‘I hope life isn’t a big joke, cause I don’t get it.” Hmmm. Well, they n’t all winners (in fact, their success rate ms torun about fifty-fifty as I see ‘em), but y are unique, and a few of them are eamingly funny. So, if you’d like to start off h day with a smidgen of warped humour, s may be the calendar for you.

r Side 1995 Desk Calendar d speaking of warped humour, it doesn’t e much more bent than Gary Larson’s Far le cartoons, immortalized in yet another endar (this one being one of those spiral- d, weekly calendars that are so handy as planners and such). Each week gives you ther one of Larson’s weird cartoon panels full colour, including some real gems like . Jekyll and Mr. Ed’’ and ‘‘Professor Armond, the epitome of evil amongst but- y collectors.”’

acintosh Secrets Calendar m the folks at Macworld comes this handy- dy, page-a-day guide to little-known facts ut your Macintosh computer. Actually, ¢ of the pages (according to a Mac veteran y acquaintance) are obvious orredundant, there’s also a few useful tips, and for a Mac y like myself it’s awelcome supplement y ongoing Mac assimilation.

agic Eye 1995 Desk Calendar ‘em or hate ‘em, these ‘‘Magic Eye’’ gs are everywhere! In case you’ve been g in a cave or something, Magic Eye es are optical illusions wherein 3-D im- emerge from a multi-coloured picture ¢ if you stare at them the right way. If you the Magic Eye, than this is the calendar/ Planner for you. The pictures (one per k), are pretty innocuous fare, but fun for 3-D effect itself. Be forewarned, though: ill folks are able to see these things (espe- Y if your eyes have unequal vision), and though most people can see them, it often a bit of practice to get the hang of it.

Marvel Comics 1995 Calendar For any comic book fan, this calendar isa thing of beauty and a joy forever (well, for the next 365 days at the very least). It’s so darn purty, I can’t bring myself to tear off the pages (though I have been flipping ahead dutifully to absorb each day’s slice of comic book history). Don’t get me wrong-- I’m not some drooling Marvel zombie who mutters that ‘Wolverine tules’’ as I fall asleep in my X-Men jammies or something-- but I am a fan of good comic books and the history thereof, and this calen- dar, surprisingly, gives us just that instead of a mercenary sampling of Marvel’smodern, mass- marketed cash cows like Spider-Man, Wolver- ine, Punisher, Ghost Rider, X-Men and so on. Those characters all appear herein, but so do zillions of more obscure Marvel characters like Jack of Hearts, Banshee, and even the Two-Gun Kid (that last one really floored me). Each page is a full-colour reproduction of a scene from a Marvel comic, and the selection covers a pleasantly wide range of arts styles and comic book eras-- ranging from Hank Pym’s 1962 trip down the anthill to 1994’s latest X-Men adventures. This calendar is a great little multi-faceted time capsule of com- ics history.

Star Wars 1995 3-D Calendar

Ah, nostalgia. As a kid from a generation weaned on the immortal Star Wars trilogy and its merchandising (loved those action figures), I eagerly snapped up this latest ‘‘Magic Eye’’ wall calendar. I was, however, somewhat disappointed. The whole point of a wall calendar (as opposed to the desk calendars and page-a-day varieties) is big, impressive visu- als. We do get 12 Star Wars-related 3-D images, but some are rather unimpressive, like the big ‘‘May the Force be with you’’ slogan (whoop-tee-doo). And the biggest disappoint- ment is the calendar’s depiction of Darth Vader; I’m not sure ifit’s the limitations of the Magic Eye medium or what seemed like an oversim- plified geometric rendering, but this calendar makes one of fiction’s most impressive bad guys look-- well, silly (and nigh-unrecogniz- able). Wait for the next movie.

Windows Secrets Calendar

Another computer calendar, with useful page- a-day hints on this Windows stuff we IBM types seem to cling to.

| calandars reviewed by Sean MacQuaid, and all are from Andrews and McMeel publishing

{A Strangers Kiss ~ | | Shelly Thacker | |

: (Avon Books)

Marie Nicole LeBon, the heroine, invents a | | new fertilizer to help the French people grow | better crops. However, it has a second unex- | pected purpose-- the ‘‘fertilizer’’ is highly | | explosive. While running from people who | want her invention for its second purpose, she

| isknocked unconscious byan explosion. When | she awakes, she has no memory of her experi- | | ence and works to remember her past. She also | | meetsa handsome man named Max D’ Avenant, | | who is madly in love with her. But he, | | however, is a British spy who has been sent to | | discover the ingredients of her invention. I’ll | | leave you to find out what he decides to do. This is not your average grocery store ro- mance. Read it.

Edie: American Girl : Jean Stein S Edited with George Plimpton

(Grove Press)

This book was first released in the early ’80s and immediately became a best seller. I can see why. My copy from the first soft cover release will be treasured for years to come. I was not alive in the ’60s and this novel gives me a vivid image of the real ’60s. It’s not just from one person’s point of view, but from the experiences of the 250 people interviewed. Their quotes are printed verbatim (or close to) throughout the book. The book also includes the genealogy of Edie Sedgewick-Post and tons of pictures that illustrate her life. Her life is an amazing story in itself, but I should warn | you-- it’s not for the faint of heart. -- Kathy Giesbrecht

Roger Ebert’s Video

Companion (1995 edition) (Andrews and McMeel)

Boy, is my face red. Ina previous review (for Leonard Maltin’s own video guide) I made the» statement that Siskel and Ebert’s video com- panion books were pointlessly hostile. Now I find myself feasting on Pied Dans Ma Bouche, arare delicacy only enjoyed by critic who have made sweeping generalizations about things they know nothing about. Oops.

If you’re not familiar with Gene Siskel and Roger Ebert, you really ought to get your pulse checked. They’re the archetypical movie critics, with their own syndicated TV show and a nasty (but oh, so amusing) habit of getting into verbal fisticuffs every time they ‘discuss’ arecent film. Whether these fights are part of a serious rivalry or just two intelligent men who just enjoy arguing has been a topic of much debate over the years. This interesting but useless tidbit of popular culture is, how- ever, important to understanding the idea be- hind Roger Ebert's Video Companion.

That idea, simply stated, is that to un- derstand a critic, you first have to find out if that critic’s opinions reflect your own. Thus, Ebert has collected his reviews of his favourite movies, thrown in as many recent releases as possible, added interviews and memorials for famous stars, and his favourite questions peo- ple ask.

The bulk of the book is full length movie reviews, as opposed to the TV Guide- style capsulized reviews most video guides employ. My feelings onthis method of review- ing videos is mixed (or, to take a Swipe at S&E’s television show, thumbs up/thumbs down). At first, it seems like a great idea: no more squinting at tiny type, no more wonder- ing exactly what the critic means when he writes ‘‘pointless and boring’? or ‘‘well worth

seeing’’. On the other thumb, longer reviews means fewer filmsreviewed, which leaves you standing in the video store in an indecisive haze. The idea here is that this is a book for true connoisseurs of cinemas, and if Johnny Igno- rant can’t find a feature review of Nazi Swim- suit Babes With Chainsaws, it probably ain’t worth watching.

Another slight problem is the style of Roger Ebert himself. He’s literate, intelligent and usually at least halfways witty, but he falls into a seductive trap right from the word go-- he has no discernable logic. He gives bad movies high praise. He drags good ones through the mud. Examples? He thought that Robin William’s Popeye was a brilliantly con- ceived movie. A horrible political mess like The Pelican Brief gets high marks. Point Break is somehow worth three and a half stars. He mystifies. He boggles. The only way to know if the movies he reviews are any good is to watch them yourself. In short, he’s an academic who’s lost sight of the people he’s writing his reviews for. He wants you to be on his level.

On the other hand, the book contains wonderful essays on going to films, which are terrifically funny. Read the part entitled “‘How To Watch a Movie’’ for helpful advice on where to sitand how tobehave. Andif you find a copy on the bookrack, be sure to read the review for Infra-Man. You’ll laugh so hard you’ ll wake up wearing a straightjacket with a Prosac intravenous drip.

In short: Less of a video guide than an academic exercise. A book like this should be like one of those little native guides in every jungle movie, saying, ‘“No Sahib, best you no step there!”’. Instead it’s like a fat white Eng- lish professor on safari saying, ‘‘and here we have a fine example of native forest-weave... oh my, a tiger pit (shluck!).”’ /

-- Trent Drake