Dead Letter Office

AER

Dear DLO:

The Cadre regrets not attending the installa- tion of the new president but we had to work. Instead my pal Leo went and told me all about it. Basically they had a six year old prima dona, and some UPEI graduates reading poems. Poems.

Man. Anyway they sold funky UPEI hats with the words “Join the Brain Gain” which sounds like it requires some kind of massive surgery. The hat is kind of ugly and it has the words “Installation” on the back. Installation

with poems it should say. They should definitely tell a guy what he is in for. Apparently the hats were going for 15 bucks, but we heard you could get them for ten. I like an installation where the prices are negotiable. But you know we skipped it. But Leo also told me they had Dr. Mikey Place, the second coolest guy who ever went here, a former Cadre sports columnist, on the bill too. Mikey is class; there can be no questioning that. Apparently MacLauchlan gave a cool speech and had

the entire community of Stanhope and his entire family stand up. Basically they had poems, and random standing up, and hats commemo- rating the occasion. Enclosed in this letter is a hat and the program. Which we bought, as a set for eight bucks from Curtis Barlow (a different Curtis Barlow).

Sorry Again, The Cadre

Dear Cadre: You people are all pa- thetic. Doesn’t any of you want to climb the ladder. You should have snapped the hat on right in front of the pres. His family has fat coin. That dude is going places. You got to make friends when you got the chance. Think. Join the Brain Gain stupid. It'll be filled with dope parties with monied Atlantic Canadians, where at you can practice your brown nosing skills. It would’ve been a slow smashing ride to fame and happiness. But you got drunk the night before and skipped the proce- dure. Sad and dumb is a very bad combi- nation, like bold and stupid.

The Installation

TL Wade Maclouchian, BBA LLB, LLM a fost Presson amd 10-4 ame rile

of the Cmecms

2:00 pms Sunday, Uctaber 3. 1999

Mora Stage. Conbodevosion Ceacee of the Aris Cherbssewa Prem Evhewted Vian

Dear DLO:

Did you notice the excessive use of the word “shit” in the first issue of the Cadre? Has this seemingly reputable newspaper resorted to the cheap gimmick of gratuitous cussing in an effort to keep our fickle attentions spans hanging on for another few lines. I think they have. Don’t get me wrong I don’t profess to have any particular prob- lem with the tech- nique, in fact I en- courage it. I only wish people would learn to be more creative with the wonderful world of cussing. So many of us have been

“cursed” with filthy mouths, it is such a shame to see wasted potential on the tiresome same old, well, shit. Swearing is funny. hilarious even, and can be viewed as a fine art that demands experi- mentation and can be mastered by only a select few. My philosophy: if you are getting your mouth washed out anyway, you might as well take pride in what you say.

I’ll never forget the day my friend named the heavy breathing man in History 101, “Ser- geant Diaper Nuts.” This ingenious gent

Gey 2 |

the president's lid

has since coined a whole slew

of phrases that bear much resemblance to the original, for example: Diaper Dick, Captain Crap Face, Corporal Cock Sucker, Major Penis Wrinkle, and Mr. Crispy Crap.

Another friend told me about an interview with Ice T. Apparently he told the critics to “eat a bowl of dicks.” Do you wash that down with a jar of vaginas. A good bout of ‘road rage’ is an excellent source for material. A long time cussing companion re- cently threatened the rat bas- tard who cut him off that he would “cut him up into little pieces and serve him as hash browns to his kids.” That same day, the lady who didn’t signal was deemed a sick bitch and the jaywalker a slut puppy. He didn’t stay mad for long,

who could with gems like those rolling off the tongue?

To the staff of the Cadre, I know it was just your first issue and

you are new, but don’t fret. You can cuss on my friend, cuss on.