— page 6 —-
November 15. 1984
“Great Brain Robbery”
The Great Brain Robbery: The Aftermath By Alix Kreap
Once upon a time, in the staffroom of the Mental institute of Technology [MIT], three people were having a coffeebreak.
They were Dr. Prunes- quallor, Dr. Fluke, and Dr. Goodfellow -— full, waif,and quarter professors 'espectively.
Dr. Prunesquallor taught Quasiparapsi-cology. His greatest contribution to his science was the proof that one doesn't have to be awake to have a quasiparanormal experience
Dr. Fluke, on the other sand, was trained in Pseudoscientific UFO Investigation. He had not contributed significantly to his science. In fact, he made it a policy never to
contribute anything of worth.
Dr. Goodfellow, the only quarter professor on the
entire staff of MIT, was a PhD -— A Doctorate of Philology. (Don’t confuse that with philosophy -- they have nothing in com- mon.) He had already contributed greatly to his science by quantifying right and wrong. His argument .went like this:
OVER- DRINKING.
NI
Canad'a'
“If two wrongs don’t make a right and what’s right for one person may be wrong for another, then only one wrong make a
right -- or three left turns.”
Anyway, they were reading The Great Brain
Robbery and believed every work of it by their faith in the infallibility of the book. So, they decided to
have a series of covert meetings to solve the problems plaguing univer- sities, especially the Ivy League.
To help preventa “great brain robbery”, they de-
cided to have a contest to determine who was the best teacher at MIT. They would be judged ‘in three catagories:
1. Most reports assignments per week.
2. Most surprise tests and most trick questions.
3. Greatest traumatic influence on the students of MIT.
Dr. Prunesquallor gave an average of »40 term papers and 200 assign- ments per week. When correcting them, he reveled in every mistake that was made. He prefered to mark on an all-or-nothing basis because he enjoyed it. He so strict that he
and
was
it.
would declare the whole thing wrong if a single comma was missing or an wasn‘t dotted.
Dr. Fluke, on the other hand, gave only 20 term papers and 100 assign- ments per week, much to the relief of the students at MIT. He would give a surprise test every few minutes or so. Often, he would put in a riddle, for which even he didn’t know the answer to, for the trick question. He marked everything in the time- honoured method at MIT -- throwing the papers as far as one could and giving the highest mark to the paper that went the farthest. Most of the time, the stack was so heavy that it would land on his toes.
Dr. Goodfellow was the easiest of the three. He gave only 19 term papers and 99 assignments per week. Having long ago determined that right is wrong, he didn’t bother to mark them. Instead, he brought them home and burned them in his wood- stove. The students were left in mystery as to how they performed.
As a result of this contest, the students of to study until
MIT had
“I like the taste ofa cold beer on a hot day. but i certainly don't think you have to get the gang together with a couple of cases of beer just to celebrate
the fact you've had a bit ofexerase.”
jOHN wooo
OLYMPIC SILVER ME DALLIST
Health Sante et and Welfare Buen-étte somal Canada Canada
8:00 AM every day, In- cluding weekends. So, half of them decided to party all day and all night because if you're going to stay awake for months at
a time, you might as well
enjoy it.
In the end, Dr. Prunes- quallor was unanimously declared. to be the best
teacher at MIT. He was
then promoted to the rank of double professor. How- ever, he‘ had gone lnsane’ because he had corrected
continued page 11
by Jacinta Gallant
I spent a depressing Satur— day afternoon in our lib- rary listening to irate stud— ents complain that ‘four hours just isn’t enough time to do all the necessary week- end’ “catch-up and cram” work. Sunday hours aren’t much more popular; so I de— cided to play the role of ombudsman and make an appointment to see Univer- sity Librarian, Merrill Croc— kett.
First off, I decided that UPEI probably doesn’t choose library hours to hurt as many students as possible. I’ve never been one with beliefs that all administra— tions see students as targets for their frustrations in so- ciety!
So, on the assumption that they really are trying to do
was very open and coopera- tive. ‘
The Budget Committee meets in the Fall to allocate funding for the following year (may 1 to April).
To give you an idea of cut—backs: The library in 1974-75, was allocated 33,311 total available hours for 21 support staff positions. For the year 1983-84, funding was available for 21,755
The Ombuds-column
hours with 14 support staff positions. This does not take into account sick, emer- gency, or bereavement leave.
Mr. Crockett must then find the most equitable way to serve on—campus, off- campus, mature, and sum- mer session students. It’s quite a job when, compared to Mt. Allison (approximate- ly equal number of students and faculty) who have a staff of 32 in the library, UPEI’s library functions with a staff of 23.
There are only so many ways to alloCate library hours and, if we think it’s bad dur- ing fall and winter session, summer session is even worse!
Luckily, the budget for acquisition of books and re- sources materials has' been kept up. Our professional library staff are very exper- ienced; our facilities have im- proved greatly; but we all agree that we need more time to use the facility, so what are we going to do about it?
The Senate Library Com- mittee is made up of four faculty members, two stud-
' ents, and the head librarian,
Mr. Crockett. If students have complaints or ideas, here is where to voice them. Simply prepare your presen- tation, contact Mr. Crockett and ask to be put on the
‘ on this library heurs issue,
agenda. Even come to see ’ me, your ombudsman, and we can work on something together.
If we really" want to move
we need to get moving now.
It is the Budget Committee
who allocates the funding for
the library. Increased hours means increased costs.
We need to look realistic- ally at what must be “given— up” to gain more in library hours. Remember, there is only one “pic” to cut from.
Over the next week, in- stead of complaining, why not try and DO SOME- THING. If increasing library hours means something to you, think about some alter— natives: -reschcduling
hours?
-working through the student rep, Kenny Mutter, and the Deans on the Budget Com- mittee?
-arranging for a ‘volunteer service for those interested in a library career?
- complaining until April and hoping “someone else” will fix things.
of existing
OMBUDSMAN HOURS — in the barn
Tuesday 9—10
Thursday 2:30-3:30
or _ make appointment 892-4121 ext. 395
“Fresh” point of view
By Kaberi Dasgupla
Last week being “career week", I decided to go against my nature and take a decisive step in choosing a career. Before drawing my career choice out of a hat, I felt that I should make an attempt to analyse my talents (O) and feelings so as to make the proper choice.
In fact, I have been trying to come to'this decision for a long time. In Grade 1, I had to write an essay on "What I wanted to be when I grew up” (sound familiar?).
What was my ambition all those years ago? Well,
like many of the other people In the class, ‘ I wanted to be a doctor.
(The only career that beat
a doctor was being a fireman.) Yes, we' were humani-
tarians back then. We all wanted to cure “kanser” (our teacher suggested that we learn to spell it before we tried to cure it). Actually, the prospect of
' "going into medicine" still
has Its charms, though my enthusiasm was slightly ' dampened in grade 4,,when one of my contemporaries
,to make everyone
told me, in sordid detail, how doctors must cut the. . .(forget it).
For another rather pro- longed period in my life,‘ I was intent on becoming an astronaut. I would one day announce to.the world that the people on Mars
are not green (they are‘
turquoise).
However, I came to the that in order to travel space, I would have leave the ground.
Since my digestive system goes into reverse on an airplane, I decided to for- get about rockets.
A couple of my English teachers were determined In the class writers. They had most of us nearly convinced until they’ told us the story of the heroic, wise author who lived for his art but died a lonely pauper. (It's amazing how practical children are.)
Perhaps, (you guessed it), I could become a journalist..Yes, I would go into war-torn, poverty- stricken areas of the earth, insplring readegs with in words ‘of' wisdom? "_ "°
eventually realization . in to
tiff t .
Of 'course then I would have to write about serious
subjects (Oh no!). You see, by writing this col- umn, I give rest to my
frustrations and traumas...
That's .it! I could be- come a psychologist. . (Stop laughing.) Well, maybe I would have (too much empathy for any patients.
Maybe I'll become a musician.
Unfortunately what most people seem to appreciate the most. nowadays fits more appropriately under the category of noise rather than music.
Then again, it ’s all just a matter of taste. Just because I don't enjoy watching a bunchof fools demonstrating how obscene they can be doesn't mean that it's wrong, does it?
I could become a critic. (As you can see, I am rather good at criticizing.) Maybe not. As they say, those-who give it out...
Now that l have nar- rowed my cholces down significantly, (I’ve decided, that . I’m;. not going to become an olympic athlete)
l -l think-.liif purchased»