The Cadre + 19January 1999 Ideas 13

Coca-Cola Lends A Method to Encouragement the Madness?

By Rob Macisaac By BRODY MORRISON

: ‘ : ss ade : ; : It has occurred to me lately that today’s political and With the installation of three new Coca-cola machines in the Pit, economical times are very demanding on everyone. I find that

university officials proclaimed Monday that they have accomplished just _,andmostothers, startto really question his or her own political what they set out to do: boost a notoriously low student morale. beliefs and especially our own political party's these days. Its

& cE F109 oe ee SS fo i the ,, also disheartening, through a little checking, that none of the The “brand-spanking” new machines, installed late last year, feature a current political parties out there seem to have any real ideas

stunning mural of a Coca-C ola bottle wearing a graduation hat and tassel. on how to help “The Student” cope with debt and other “In the fine tradition of supplying thirst-quenching beverages to dedicated important issues.

students,” explained Herb Dunsford, a spokesperson for Coca-Cola, “our | think that despite the number of official parties on the Hl AEE SY dente thas ¥ behind ballot in the next election, students would like to have a real company will spare no expense in showing the students that we are Denind alternative. So lam pleased to announce the existence of anew

them every step of the way.” Federal political party for students. This party will keep Dunsford added that nothing beats exam-time stress like a nice, cold students inmind and will always be accountable to them. This bottle of a Coca-Cola beverage.

party will bare the official name “Becausetheotherssuck” party of Canada.

To be a candidate for this party, however, you will have to legally change your firstname to“Theabove™. This is so very important so that the candidate can establish his/her loyalty to the party. Changing your name will enable students, from any riding association anywhere, to recognize that you are from the new student party.

This party will choose its candidates on a voluntary basis

only and should there be a need, a coin toss between two possible candidates will decided who will run. Also, the candidates will also have to change their last names to "Noneof”. Once we have attend power, the choosing of the Prime Minister (leader of the party) will be found by a volunteer within the party. If no one volunteers, then a person with the most number of votes, in their particular riding, over any others will be given the job. If two or more people volunteer (a rare occurrence) then the people wishing to be PM will draw straws on national TV to be telecasted coast to coast, and to Newfoundland.

Also, there will be no pay for MP’s and Cabinet ministers. This is perfectly logical of course -- mostly because students ; will still want to keep their student loans without being docked “ ia | vs : ; / any money from a new “Temporary Assessment” notice from

. the Office of Higher Education. Once parliament is about to be in session and all the MP’s are ready to enter they will all be allowed to take no more than one minute to enter parliament. MP’s will also be allowed to have an announcer to designate their arrival and theme music may also be played.

Well, overall there clearly isa method to my madness and when it comes voting day, some time in the year 2000/2001 or - another "student" in the Pit -photo by Richard Haines when ever the PM feels lucky, make sure that you mark an “X”

[Incidental Ed. Note: Some events may not be exactly as outlined. ] on the ballot that says:

—_} Noneof, the above. becausetheotherssuck party of Canada

I PREDICT A RESOUNDING SUCCESS!