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week: Van Damme it, Janet!

He’s short. He’s very, very French. He’s faced. And he’s p!$$ed off. He’s Jean Claude Damme, and he’s modelling kitchen ware at a e near you! I really feel kind of stupid. While trying to e between Bloodsport, Kickboxer, Lionheart Death Warrant, I wasted half an hour (while a i engaged in a friendly fighting match with my two rows over) before I realized that each had ly the same plot (and my sister was getting very strange looks). With this epiphany in I simply rented the one with the most con- t plot. Lionheart seemed to fit the bill nicely. In rst scene, a junkie orched (Toasty!) by generic thugs. It out that this junkie brother to one Leo ier, a.k.a. Van e! Can you say mgeance Kick’’, and girls? Actually, V.D.’s

time (double cres, anyone?) so he actually gets

d to kicking the 8’ collective butts. kind of get lost in uffle as Leo uses a nation of fisticuffs ile to escape the » Stoke coal on a freighter, beat up the first and swim to America. Then, literally on his me, he stumbles onto a ring of illegal street Wandering into the ring, he somehow pcs o gain the nickname ‘Lion’ and proceeds mble through opponents like a rampaging

With Leo now thoroughly entrapped by the ynthia (and lacking any saleable skills), nk the fighting (among other things) would camest. Unfortunately, they decide to ¢ the plot for about twenty minutes. This 's boring and adds nothing whatsoever to “oyment of the movie, plus it features an ngly cute little girl.

Eventually they do get around to kicking that’s when the fun really starts. Van “ gages in mortal combat with four or five fighters in rapid succession. He finishes Proving he’s a street fighter, too. Then he * hulking Attila in a mildly rigged match. “ly becomes a fatality, but at the last second “Shes his fatal fury and wins. Now a world “Tich besides), he retires from the battle «Settles down with his sister-in-law and ties * loose ends at the last second, except for g —— Guess there must be a sequel

0 . uh? : ‘

...the big strikeout here is the Precocious But Charming Child. I’ve no idea who she ime een 1s, but she’s terrifying. She’s almost as bad as those vicious Olsen twins from Full House!

Acting or Lack Thereof: Van Damme can’t act. This doesn’t matter much~ all he has to do is beat people up convincingly. The real bad actors are the ones who don’t fight. Van Damme’s self-appointed manager, Josh (or whatever), is a stereotypical movie black who spouts cliches faster than a movie critic in a Cuisinart. The Sultry But Shady Mistress Cynthia is just a typical slut. No real attraction there. But the big strikeout here is the Precocious But Charming Child. I’ve no idea who she is, but she’s terrifying. She’s almost as bad as those vicious Olsen twins from Full House!

Technical Stuff: Not much of note, but I would like to mention the fight scenes. Some of them are well staged, but they all suffer from an

almost Max Headroom-

ish tendency to repeat the same punches over and over again from dif- ferent angles. This flaw seems peculiar to Van Damme flicks, and is even used in his current blockbuster Time Cop. It’s kind of annoying when a fighting movie triggers an epilepsy at- tack.

Best Line: Noth- ing comes to mind.

Stuff To Watch For: The fights, of course! Are they fun? You bet! In particular, youll want to stick around for the Scottish guy who fights wearing his kilt. Not a good choice of attire for a pit fighter, considering real Scots wear nothing underneath. Also good fun is that last fight with Attila. His schtick: he lets his opponent beat on him a while, then knocks them down and pets his pussycat. Attila also bears a frightening resemblance to the late Andre the Giant and sports Wolverine_like sideburns. Har Har! And for the ladies, there’s the obligatory nude scene displaying Jean’s butt. Fe- males, commence drooling!

Stuff to Fast Forward Past: The plot scenes, especially if the cute kid is in them. We’re here to see blood fly, not her nice new bicycle!

Bottom Line: A little too typical, with relatively unoriginal fight scenes. There’s some fun to be had watching some of the silly fighters, but you’d be better off spending your money watching Time Cop. Also knownas Wrong Bet and A.W.O.L., which probably stands for Abysmal With Out Lev- ity. For real fun, try to spot the video games titles I used in this review!

Next Week: The mind reels as the gore flies! See lawyers eaten, salesmen run over by grinning trucks, and more! See me try to justify Jurassic Park as a B-movie! It’s the annual Turkey Dinner Halloween Horror Party!

--Trent Drake

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(October 18, 1