Don’t be surprised that | took over this newspaper (which wasn’t fit to line the bottom of my canary, Sweet Pea’s cage anyway). Corporate takeover is just the latest passtime that my buddies and I enjoy now that the women have taken over golf. Conrad drinks schnaps until his toes turn Black has been buying and selling papers like they’re baseball cards, and Ted whose rather fonda Jane Fonda Tumer owns so much media that even he doesn’t believe what reporters are saying half the time. The main difference between their takeovers and mine is that I'm willing to admit how | got the job done with force while those pansy-asses want you to believe that they “bought out” other companies. Hogwash! Tumer, who enjoys the game of base- ball, handled most of his negotiations with America Online while wielding a bat, a tomahawk, and a catcher’s mitt (which | hear is really intimidating). | even remember the day when Michael Eisner stormed the studios of ABC with his army of Muppets. | didn’t have no talking animals on my drunken team during my “coprorate buyout”, but all | really needed was a couple of muskets and the know-how to successfully take over a newspaper. Now the Faction is mine. Put that in your pipe and smoke it, Rupert Murdoch!

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