‘ it’s deﬁnitely a strange world

January 10, 1985

By Robert Bodrog-Goodland

The Netted Gem

Happy hijacking; or, HOW to own an airport

In case you haven’t noticed,

out there. It seems that in certain areas of this uncivi~ lized planet, anything goes. As long as people think that they’re justified in their actions, many groups and individuals will stop at. nothing to achieve their ends,- regardless of howsadistic or perverse the means may be. Today I’m going to dis- cuss an area that’s been making an internationali come back in recent months,‘ everyone’s favorite form of terrorism — air piracy, or as it’s more commonly known — HIJACKING. Originally, hijacking was a simple crime with a clearly deﬁned purpose: namely, free transportation. More than a few tightwads over the years have gotten free air fare

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simply by pulling out a Luger after departing. JFK airport

‘ and demanded a nonstop ‘ excursion to Havana.

However, thatsort of thing is considered in most'inter- national terrorist circles to be a rather bland. wimpish

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I know that youpebple are tired of “How were your holidays?”, so let me ask you this ,“Did the op- portunity for some R & R go over big with you all?” (R Jr R means Rest and Relaxation)

Same thing, you say? You realize of course that if I hear one word of bitching from you that I’ll have only two words for you —— that better not be cheering I’m hearing and they ain’t “Bon Voyage”!

Go on, ask me how my distressing time away 'from this task which I love so much (did someone say gushy?) was. Go on

Why, thank’ you for ask- ing. My vacation was lovely, thank you. I spent it in sunny, albeit —35 Winnipeg with my adorable and also pretty pregnant sister.

God, it’s good to be back. What? Oh, I didn’t mean anything by that I mean don’t take it that I didn’t enjoy Alright then, think what you want — maybe you’ll be right for a change.

I can’t say anything stupid, I’ve already exhausted that possibility. Mommie!

Listen, let’s talk about Lifestyles. '

A fair to middling topic of conversation, wouldn’t you say? Sure you would.

I know that this is really the only bubble gum in the paper. And, unless you’ve

beenlying to me‘youfdliketo . , ,. keevaiitemisﬁhMirth?” = ‘

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n’t you

act. I mean, what kind of fool hijacks a plane with the sole purpose of getting some- where? Like, how passe.

No boys and girls, today if you’re gonna hijack an

rs.

portant, relevant, and intelli—l gent? ,’ ' r . . ' ’ You’ve never .had' that feeling, huh? To that I say “Pshaw! ” Thanks! I feel much better now that I’ve. VOCalized a relevant, important, and '— what was the other word? — oh yes, intelligent thought. (OK. I want you to pretend that I am taking a deep breath through my nostrils. Now I am exhaling‘. Now, picture a slily smug and self- satisfied smile stealing around the corners of my (is there a word beginning with “S” that describes ’mouth? Nope, I already tried clap trap, it doesn’t ﬁt — good suggestion, though) MOUTH. I’m finished. That’s all I have to say. Really. Do take care, won’t you? See you next week, same time, same place.

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airline you’d better have a damn good reason, or most major authorities won’t even give you the time of day. Therefore, to help all you potential agitators out there,

‘ J’ve laid outsonie, guidelines

you should follow in order to make your hijacking a suc-

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' IlyJiinLai

' In the land of Glumebell,

there lived .a young man headed toward the Mountains named Sly Sllelt- He was ‘of Darkness. He had escaped greatly disrespected by the Glumebell!

general population of Glume- bell for no reason at all, save benians sent out, for the fact that it was tradi— tional to look down upon all members of the Dimwilt clan. This tradition may have been Without the cause of the decline of the would have no Dimwilts — Sly was the sole and shout abuses

surviving descendant.

First and foremost, as I’ve mentioned, it’s essential that you or your group have a clearly defined political motive. For example: the re- lease of a certain bunch of prisoners somewhere, or the reversal of a nation’s foreign policy on a given issue; you know, something like that. You see, once you’ve deﬁned your purpose, you then know exactly what your objectives are, and this gives you your raison d’etre.

OK: now that you’ve got a motive, it’s imperative that you really believe in what you’re trying to achieve. Sure, it’s all fine and good to have demands and stuff but unless you and your cohorts are genuinely dedicated to your cause, regardless of how stupid or irrational it may be, you can just forget it. There- . fore it cannot be stressed enough, that after cause, motivation is the key to any successful operation.

Great: now that you’ve got a purpose and motivation. you must think ahead and ask yourself: 'Once I’ve got the plane, what the hell am I gonna do with it?’ Sure, you “mightbe able to make the people ON BOARD do what

"yen, vivant,’ but 'to get a

to escape to the Outside

World. , Laterﬂiatrugitghegathered

his few belongings and

government to comply with your demands is a completely different ball game; especially if you’re playing on their home field.

Therefore, the best thing to do (if possible) is divert the plane to a nation whose government is sympathetic to the ends you’re trying to achieve. Take for example the hijacking of the Kuwaiti airliner last December. The terrorists landed the plane in Tehran, the Iranian capital. In this case the terrorists were demanding the release of some politial prisoners held in Kuwait. You see, the hijackers held the same pro- Islamic policiesas those of Iran concerning the prisoners. Therefore, although the Iranian government wasn" exactly responsible for the situation, at the same time they weren’t exactly going to go out of their way to act against people with interests similar to their own. Besides, if you agree with the policies of the country you’re in, they’ll welcome all the free publicity you’re supplying them with, in order to get their own point of_ view across. But at the same time they can always say, “Hey, we didn't hijack any plane.”

He found himself at the

edge of a cavernous chasm, apparently bottomless. The only path across was a nar- row half-rotten rope bridge. All that he could see on the other side was a smallish

The RC)“ daY, the Glume- tunnel entrance. The whole

a search area was lit by the green-

party to find the missing yellow glow of patches of Dimwilt, the last survivor of phosphorescent moss.

generations of

Sly,

tradtion.

They could not understand

The land of Glumebell was why sly left_ Didn’t he enjoy surrounded by the impassable being hanged? Didn’t he

Mountains. of

Darkness want to be buried in a Name-

which totally walled off the less Grave upon his death,

inhabitants from the Outside World,

and reality. Fortunately, the

0f Glumebell like all his Nameless an-

cestors?

After a great deal of

Glumebellians (if I may use searching, the Glumebellians that word) were so wrapped gave up. The last remaining up in their egos that they Dimwilt had eluded their never even noticed they were grasp. They could not find

walled in.

Sly Dimwilt was

Sly, for that would have

quite ruined the plot.

lonely in Glumebell. Every Meanwhile, Sly was still time he approached within a wandering the Mountains of few meters of a girl, she Darkness. Unlike the other

would rush- up to him and spray tear gas in his face. The boys were even worse. They often hung him from trees and flagpoles. As a result, Sly developed very strong neck muscles.

One day, Sly realized how cruel the Glumebellians were. He didn’t know why the people had this tradition of

Glumebellians, Sly was capable of rational thought. This he had concealed up until now, for the act of thinking was a serious crime punishable by exile, or death. It began to rain. Sly foun shelter in a long—forgotten cave. He began thinking about the Outside World and its legendary dangers. As he

attacking him since his pa-\did, he noticed a shaft of

rents died before they could tell him. Seeing the pointless- ness of staying, Sly decided

light at the other end of the cave. Sly blindly crawled to- ward it.

In his childhood (had he

the P601316 ever left it?), he had been told

One to hang of the subterranean king- at on Fridays. doms

of Underland. He

— page 7 —

Also, if the government likes you, you’ve got a better chance of getting good food for you and your captives.

And finally, if at first you don’t suceed, try try again. Sometimes three or even four attempts are ne- cessary before people will wake up and take notice of your cause. But don’t worry, sooner or later you’re bound to get recognition, especially if your group has a name. You know, something catchy, like the International Libera- tion Organization, or some- thing equally stupid like that.

Well, there you have it. Four basic steps to success in this highly specialized ﬁeld of international subversion. Personally, I don’t think it’s worth all the bother. You’d be much better off writing your MP.

Because when you work out the investment/return ratio on these things, most political economists would agree, it’s not worth all the effort, worry and bother. So if you should ever start to get that hijacking feeling, get a grip on yourself and ask yourself “Wouldn’t it be more fun if I just got drunk instead?” In the long run, you‘ll be glad you did.

. Under/and .

recalled the rope bridge and how the kingdoms of Uner- land, led to the Outside World. The legend was true!

Sly pondered a moment. Should he go back and face the cruel and unthinking Glumebellians? Or should he venture forth and face the cruel reality of the Outside World? Realizing how sore his neck muscles ...:re from the last hanging, he decided to cross the brii. 2:. (To be continued)

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