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s 1984

UPEI once again a “Cruise Missile” target

By John Pendergast

The lights are dimmed. The music is being played at a feverish pitch. The set on the stage is an improvised de- militarized zone. But where is the lead singer?

The group manager, Edmund Greede III, has been searching every tavern, house of ill-repute and video arcade, trying to ﬁnd lead singer Jimmy Fallout.

After many tense hours, Edmund (called Eddy by the band) found Jimmy in a small tavern, too drunk to stand up. Eddy than put .limmy over his shoulder and handed the bartender a $100 bill.

This is a typical happening :‘or a group that prides itself on its leaderlessness. Over the past seven years, they have changed their name as often as the lead singer has changed his underwear. (which isn’t too often anyway.)

Since their beginnings in the British punk rock scene in the late 70’s, they have toned down their image somewhat. They have evolved to the point where they can now write lyrics to their songs.

The band is composed of singer, Jimmy Fallout, from Wales, percussionist Teddy Gore, lead guitarist, Moonrat Hanging and Doctor Puberty, keyboardist.

Jimmy is a London Art College drop-out and a poet (when his speech is normal enough to put two words together.)

Teddy is a former model for Jacob’s in New York. One day he just got fed up with selling his body and exhibiting expensive clothes. So he left it all behind.

Moonrat is the only Uni-

versity graduate in the band. But when he discovered that he could make more money composing ear-splitting music and violent roc‘k

videos that the entire family

could enjoy, he apparently said to himself, “to hell with working in a stock exchange!”

Doctor Puberty would only reveal that he suffered from a severe case of men-

strual cramps for many years. He took up the piano and the strangulation of animals in his spare time. _

‘ The group does not try to make any elaborate social statement. They are aiming

for a happy medium between war and holocaust. Ac- cording to Jimmy “The world is going to go up in smoke like a charcoal bri- quette someday, so you may

Jimmy Fallout and Teddy Gore.

as well enjoy it while it lasts.”

i The Cruise Missiles bringfusion to the Panther ‘ Lounge’s Bomber Night. (Photo: Hartinger, 84)

Band members Doctor Puberty

Photos: Hartinger ‘84

Moonrat Hanging

How to be a heavy metal guitarist in 12 easy steps

By Jim Lai

1. Get a guitar.

2. Get the loudest ampli- fier that local laws allow.

3. Get some custom-made rags. Makeup is extra.

4. Get an ultra—distortion pedal. [f you don’t know what a pedal is, go to the nearest music store. If you don’t know what it does, listen to Jim Hendrix.

5. Getacompressor pedal. This sharpens any distortion,

mean-looking

hopefully enough to split eardrums. 6. Plug everything in.

Don’t forget that pedals and guitars need cords. If you want, get more pedals (dif- ferent ones).

7. Turn up the amp to maximum volume and make noise! Earplugs may help.

8. Whatever you play, do it fast. It doesn’t have to

sound right or make sense. If it does or doesn’t sound right, do it faster.

9. If you want, you can play 12 hours a day for three years before doing it in public. Suggested groups are: Ozzy Osbourne, Motorhead, and Iron Maiden. Van Halen, Motley Crue, Ratt, and the like are too wimpy.

10. Whenever doing an interview, always have a big ego and always act better than you really are. Don’t forget to BS the interviewer. It’s a tradition!

11. Never do drugs —— they slow down your progress. You have to improve all the time to gain recognition. Whether you say you do or don’t is up to you, however.

12. Keep practicing 12 hours (or more) a day, espe- cially at night. That way, neighbours will compliment

your playing. (“Turn it After all that, success is one). Don’t forget to put on sharper noize! down! You’re too bound to some to your door- new strings before each per- - loudt") step (unless you don’t have formance so you can have “1566 YOUJn LAJ , C? ‘3': “A . (-1” m ~11." 9.- r. l‘?"-‘('~ " a»? N. ,- fﬁ ‘ ~t 'I J. . - v ’ y \ s \ .3 > v I v t Z \ \ "’0 I Hi '\ L' 0 , \ § ‘- 6 v -‘ ' |_ Ilw ‘ \ ‘ Kg 11M! til, -1”), t ‘ . L" r 5" m I; I ‘ ~—-. ‘ ‘ ' - i ' -

iook at us we‘re M‘Me but {M’haohg'

Graphic: Manitoban