FACT: A good sword swallower can take in more than 24 inches of steel blade, with the point of the sword extending to the bottom of his ¢ or her stomach.

OPINION:! bet your mother could too. oe eat iy ae FACT: In the 2nd century B.C., the Roman senate officially abolished celebrations for Bacchus the god of wine.

OPINION: They got rid of it to make room to celebrate Alexander Keith’s Birthday instead. In case you didn’t already know, Alexander Keith is the god of hockey hair.

FACT: The average speed of traffic in New York City is less than 10 miles per hour.

OPINION:I’d rather ride the subway in New York City because it’s faster than taking a taxi, and the chances are greater that I’ll see some Ninja Turtles.

FACT: In 1912, a dairy cow got loose and ended up inside a department store in Norwich, New York. The cow made it up to the third floor before she was cornered in the ladies’ cloaks department.

OPINION: Is it just me, or does the world really not need another god-

damn cow joke?

Wine can be made from

FACT: cheese.

OPINION: I love a wine I can dip my nachos into.

FACT: If you fall head first out of an airplane without a parachute, you will fall to the ground at a speed of about 175<miles per hour. If you’re not

falling headfirst, _your speed will only.

reach about 120 miles per | hour.

OPINION: If I fell out of an airplane without a parachute, I’d probably be

too concerned with trying to learn — how to use my arms to fly to worry”

about which position a make me fall faster.

FACT: Some... vacuum cleaners designed during the: 1950’s_ were modeled after pong? ‘car —— with tail fins. : “

OPINION: I modeled my. vacuum cleaner after “my-=

favorite car. It is ~~ orange and has a great big Confederate = on it.

FACT: If you don’t get rid of your daily newspapers, in one year the average paper pile will weigh more than 500 pounds.

OPINION:That’s a good excuse to get rid of the Guardian. That, and the fact that Sally Cole writes for them.

FACT: In 1785, parachutes were invented. Since nobody wanted to be the first parachutist, the first test was with a dog dropped from a balloon in France.

OPINION:I would have tested the first parachute on a bird in case it did- n’t work, plus it’s easier to find a bird flying by when you’re up in a balloon than a dog.

FACT: In the 1960’s, the Navy ran a secret program to teach dogs to swim underwater and attack enemy divers.

OPINION: The Navy’s money would have been better spent teaching the dogs how to bark in morse code,

but nobody ever listens to my ideas anyway. -

FACT: On December 3, 1976, a 40

foot long inflatable pig escaped from <. ‘its tether and floated for miles over

the English countryside. The pig was

Floyd album cover.

‘OPINION: In 1991, a giant pair of

Hammer-pants floated by MC

Hammer's mansion in Oakland.

a ee Aa ee

FACT: Scale fisk neti.

OPINION:So do some men, but that doesn’t make any of them eligible for Ms Hawaiian Tropic.

FACT: In ancient Greece, the word “telephone” meant shouting from one

—— to another over a distance.

OPINION: ee ancient Greece, email meant yelling to fifty different people about some little girl dying of a disease so Bill Gates would donate $1 for each yell towards the little girl’s operation.

FACT: The Mayflower cut short its voyage and landed at Plymouth Rock instead of in Virginia because the ship ran out of beer.

OPINION:They should have made Casey’s Pub their first stop ofthe

night.

FACT: In the 1500’s in England, a monument was constructed to honor a grasshopper. The insect caused a lost baby to cry, pinpointing its location and leading to a rescue.

OPINION: I’ve injured all sorts of kids, but nobody’s made a statue for me yet.

FACT: Saturday afternoon between 3 and 5 is the most dangerous time to be bitten by another human being.

OPINION: If you’re bitten any time

during Saturday afternoon, take it as a warning that the midgets don’t like it when you step on them.

“FACT: The-first TV commercial was

a plug for:Bulova watches that aired

on July T, 1941 and cost $9. a-prop used. for a photo for a.Rink. . ~, ies ee. as ~ OPINION: The commercial actually

went $2 over budget, but it was worth it when Bulova’s catch phrase, “Buy our fine watches” swept the nation faster than you can say, “Whassssup!”

FACT: The real Smokey the Bear was forced to retire in 1975 at the age of 25 because this was the equivalent of 70 human years, the mandatory retirement age for government employees.

OPINION: Ma$e retired when he was 25 too, because in hip hop, whack mce’s either retire when they’re 25 or get shot.

FACT: In 1995, 5 penguins were dis- covered off the coast of Italy.

OPINION: Italy is probably the best place for penguins to visit because they enjoy sleeping with the fishes.

FACT: Ben Turpin, a comedian in silent films had his crossed eyes insured against uncrossing because they were a recognizable element of his appeal.

OPINION: A recognizable element of B4-4 appeal is their resemblance to troll dolls.