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Apocalypse ForGood Reason =

by Tim Aiken

How did the apocalypse get such a bad name? We all know that the end is coming so why not just reflect on how this could be ben- eficial for us. All the things that won’t hap- pen. Everything that you Il have gotten away with. Isn’t that what it is all about. Laughing at all the things that you never had to do and the things that no one knows that you did. Think of what you won’t have to put up with anymore.

Jean Chretien has plenty to be thankful for. No more strangers wandering past security and into his bedroom in the middle of the night. No more APEC inquir- ies. No more wondering if the secret of him being a blundering fool will finally surface. We can’t all be as lucky as he is though. He has so much to be thankful for, for someone who hasn’t done anything of any significance in his life.

Canadians as a whole should be com- forted by the fact that we won’t have had to put up with Adrienne Clarkson being appointed as our Governor General. Remember her show? Wasn’t that the biggest load of crap you’ve ever seen on TV? If that show was still being

broadcast today then I would have one more reason to welcome the end. Adrienne Clarkson as the Governor General. Who was in charge of that decision? If they were trying to piss me off why didn’t they just appoint Mr. DressUp as Dictator over us all? Now the stuff that he made, that was art.

Another thing Canadians can rejoice over is the death of Canadian politics. Que- bec won’t have another referendum. Who cares anymore anyway? Que- bec is just like an old crippled man with his arm around Canada’s back. There are only so many times he can say “I can walk on my own” before we let him fall flat on his face. Any election at all in Canada is rather pointless. Why aren’t they all running for the same party be- cause none of them are going to do anything different than the next guy. Just be happy that we don’t have to think about any of this anymore.

Ten years ago the Canadian government set a goal to eliminate child poverty by the year 2000. The latest figures suggest the problem has only gotten worse. There is one thing they won’t have to deal with. When the end is coming

and we are holding on

ee a

way — it’s for the best.

for dear life, not too many of us will stop and say ’Did anyone see the new child pov- erty statistics?” The homeless won’t be complaining either because when all hell rises they will just be glad that it is warm. The Royal Family can be thankful that no one has anytime to kick their asses out. What a pointless estab- lishment anyway. From the Queen all the way down to the Lieutenant Governor. A waste of time, a waste of money and all for nothing. The Monarchy can also be thankful that their most intimate secret never got out. Prince Charles

wearing a kilt isn’t honoring his Celtic roots, he’s just that kind of guy.

So what do you care anyway when they say the end is coming. With all this being said, I am glad it is all going to end. Why should you care about every- thing you never got to do in your life? Just think if the world wasn’t going to end then you’d have to pay off all of your student loans and trade the car of your dreams in for a minivan. When the seven horsemen of the apocalypse ride by don’t stand idly by. Slash and burn, all the