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HUMOUR Oct. 24, 200/

By Ryan Miller

FACT: Michael Jordan makes more money from Nike in a year than all of the Nike factory work- ers in Malaysia combined.

OPINION: Someone needs to teach those kids to play ball.

_ FACT: The average person falls asleep in seven minutes.

OPINION: I'm going to assume it takes the average person six min- utes to masturbate.

FACT: There are more telephones than people in Washington, DC.

OPINION: Free speech works easy when there's no one to listen.

FACT: Alexander Graham Bell, inventor of the telephone, never called his mother or wife as they were both deaf.

OPINION: Only a true genius could invent a machine that would make it impossible for his own mother to call.

FACT: If the entire population of China were to walk by you ina straight line, the line would never end due to the rate of reproduction.

OPINION: It might never end, but it sure would be fun to watch.

FACT: "Billie Jean" by Michael Jackson was the first video to air — on MTV by a black artist.

OPINION: Not anymore.

FACT: 85 per cent of men who die of heart attacks during inter- course are found to have been cheating on their wives.

OPINION: Don't get married if you're going to cheat.

FACT: It is physically impossible to lick your elbow.

OPINION: You are an idiot for trying to lick your elbow. I just told you it was impossible.

FACT: 23 per cent of photocopier breakdowns are caused by people trying to photocopy images of _ their buttocks or genitals.

OPINION: What a nightmare it must be to work in the photocopy department at Staples.

FACT: Studies show that people who smoke at the time of concep- tion have a better chance at giving birth to a girl than those who don't.

OPINION: If you really want a girl, you can smoke when you con- ceive, but don't plan on kissing during sex.

Fact and opinion

FACT: OJ Simpson was original- ly considered to play the Terminator in the first film, but — producers instead chose Arnold

Schwarzenneger as they thought the former Pro-Bowler wouldn't be

taken seriously.

OPINION: They'd cast him now. Murder suspects are generally taken more seriously then football

players.

FACT: The king of hearts is the only king in a deck of cards with- out a moustache. OPINION: Can't grow facial hair? King of hearts? Draw your own conclusion.

Wrong Answer?

Wow midterms suck. I mean how much can you actually learn ina month. Especially if you just got your books because that book money was spent not in but next to the bookstore. Anyways, if you are heading to the academic probation club here’s a quiz you can’t fail, and if you get to the APC before me save me a seat.

1.It took so long to print the first “Cadre” because...

a. AA meetings have been tougher and longer than expected c b. We printed you just didn’t read

c. It took a while to get perfection

| d. Who does work in September anyway

2. Now that the “Cadre” is in production expect...

a. hard hitting journalism

b. great advice about anything, unless its important

c. free beer coupons from the Wave

d you will never have to read the Guardian again, well ‘til Christmas anyways

3. The NHL is back and...

a. I really hate the Leafs

b. Don Cherry is getting too old

c. There have been some great fights

. Mike Comrie is on pace for 100 points

Q.

4. If a Canadian team loses in the Stanley Cup finals I’m... a. Moving to Phoenix

b. only watching Panther hockey till they win

c. Go Rockets, cough cough

d. One of the 5 Canadian teams will win

5. Sports missing from UPEI are...

a. Dodgeball, remember the four D’s of Dodgeball

b. UFC, it would be awesome

c. Paintball, not really a sport but you get to shoot people, and they don’t die d. Beer Olympics, not just a sport a lifestyle

6. Homecoming was sweet because...

a. We celebrated with a century, only four made it to 100 shots

b. Alumni bought me drinks

c. Glass Tiger helped me pick up

d. It was terrible, I need a football (not soccer) game to drink at for it to be a real homecoming

7. After listening to Gwynne Dyer...

a. I am glad I live in Canada

b. I am glad I will not be alive in 40 years c. The world is screwed

d. Where can I buy a leather jacket?

8. The GST cheques are out and I am using it to buy... a. Really good groceries, for once

b. Taking my girlfriend to a nice restaurant..... c. Forget buying I’m paying off bills _

d. You cannot spell ‘alcohol’ in French without ‘cool’, need I say more

“T’m loving it!”

9. Thanksgiving was sweet because...

a. My mom knows how to cook a turkey

b. It was the first real meal I have had since August c. We celebrated the harvest German style

d. I was given money, I didn’t even have to ask

10. It’s now really fall and... :

a. I miss global warming, September was grea

b. I’m glad I’m not home and have to rake leaves, they’re pretty and everything, but... c. Shorter days means longer nights,

d. Halloween will soon be here