Style Report: Social Misfit Offers Scathing Condemnation of Baseball Hat Wearers

by Jonah CAMPBELL

“They’re just idiots. I don’t know; maybe they all sustained sports-related head injuries as chil- dren,” states Jeff Stoltz, 19, as he sips cautiously from a plastic cup of green tea.

A new student of UPEI, Jeff, a sociology major, discovered upon his arrival that a disproportionate number of his fellow students wore baseball hats, and was alarmed by this fact. It was “sort of eerie,” he said, “because they weren’t even outdoors. It’s not like they were cold; it’s not like the sun’s in their eyes. I just don’t get it.”

Hailing from Ottawa, where he spent his first two years studying at Carleton University, Jeff describes the transition from a larger city to Charlottetown’s more subdued pace as “refreshing” but “a little unnery- ing.”

“TI was really into the idea of living in a small town again, because | grew up in St. Thomas [Ontario] where things were pretty laid back, but I didn’t really fit in, and felt I needed to move on to somewhere with a little more happening, which is why I went to Ottawa.” Jeff explains that it was the alienating effect of the big city that spurred him to leave Carleton, and that he was drawn to UPEI because of its small class sizes and some of his childhood memories.

“I think I saw a brochure for

[6]:

PEI once when I was little, but I prob- ably assumed it was one of those crazy islands out around New Guinea. But then last year a friend of mine told

me about going to PEI as a kid and:

swimming in the ocean and slicing his foot open real bad on a clam or some shit and having to get like twenty- seven stitches. It sounded really bad.”

Jeff goes on to explain how his first days in class were an eye- Opening experience, “because there were just all these guys in baseball hats and just really stupid looking people and I was like, whoa!” He attributes his failure to better integrate into the student population to the overwhelming presence of these “baseball cap wearing yahoos” as he describes them. “I don’t really drink much but I’m pretty much afraid to go to the bars anyway, for fear of being beaten up by a bunch of drunken busi- ness students on Creatine. You know? I met a guy like that once. He said his dog was on Creatine too and like, thir- ty-five pounds overweight because of it. It was really scary.”

At the same time, however, Jeff says he doesn’t want to pigeon- hole all people who wear baseball caps as imbeciles, “just those who aren’t playing baseball at the time.

“But then I guess most base- ball players are probably imbeciles anyway.”

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