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BrainDrain ‘-‘-- an exclusive. interview;
By Jim Lai.
Brian Drain. Never heard of them, right? .Well, they’re a new heavy metal band that’s out to conquer the world and get rich doing it. They are: Ms. Cheeta, lead singer; Jean Baptiste Litre, lead guitarist; Alix Kreap, rhythm guitarist; Titus Groan. bassist; and Dr. Prunesquallor, drummer.
I’d like to tell you what the group is like, but the inter- view says it all.
Gem: Brain Drain — who thought up the name?
Kreap: I did. I was cleaning up a biology lab and the thing popped right into my head. I don’t know why. Gem: Who do you consider your toughest competion? All: Spinal Tap!
Gem: Cheeta, why were you picked as the lead singer? Cheeta: Because of my good looks — make that incredibly good looks — and the fact that I was the only person who’d touch their material. Gem: How long have you been together?
Cheeta: Since I was born — Litre: No, her IQ. Two, years {hat
Cheeta: (Censored)
Gem: To what would vou attribute your band‘s unique sound"!
Litre: The fact that we can’t tune our instruments.
Groan: And our amplifiers. Gem: What’s so special about your amps?
Groan: They’re loud.
Gem.’ Amazing. What do you like about drumming, Doctor Doe: I like beating the (expletive deleted) out, of them?
Gem: How do you write songs?
Doc: 1 don’t know.
Litre: We can’t read or write. We just play them.
Gem: Incredible. Who is the major talent in the band? Kreap: Talent?
Cheeta: Me, of course! Kreap: No comment.
Cheeta: Kreap, you creep! Gem: What are your major influences?
Litre: Construction sites, subways, nightmares that’s about it.
Groan: Don’t forget hang— overs.
Litre: Oh, yeah.
Gem: Let’s talk about musicianship.
Groan: Count me out.
Doe: I like beating the (censored) out of my drums! Cheeta: I don’t know any- thing about that. I just sing. Groan: I knew we shouldn’t have gotten a blonde singer. (Sigh.)
Gem: Did you two Kreap and Litre) ever take music lessons? Kreap: I didn’t.
Cheeta: It shows.
Litre: Everything just came naturally.
Gem: How did you learn to play guitar?
Litre: Totally by accident. I
was totally aggravated one day while practicing, so I smashed my guitar. Only then did Iget the sound I had wanted for so long. Now I smash a guitar every show. Gem: What do you have to say to the rumors that your songs are satanic in content? Kreap: Garbage. I can’t accept the fact that anyone could be better than I am, so why would I plug some jerk’s ideas in my songs?
Litre: In other words, the band has too big an ego to worship anything.
Gem: Do you take drugs? Cheeta: I take aspirin after a gig.
Doe: I beat my (expletive deleted) drums!
Kreap: I prefer standing on my head — it’s cheaper! Litre: I eat my old guitar strings.
Groan: I don’t know. I don’t care. '
Gem: What are yOur col- leetive aspirations?
Cheeta: What?
Groan: I don‘t know. I don’t care.
Kreap: To get a singer with brains.
Cheeta: (Censored)
Doe: I want to (expletive deleted) beat my drums! Litre: I’d like to learn how to tune my guitar.
Gem: How do you tune them now?
Litre: I don’t. That‘s why I smash my guitars every show. Ijust play them as I get them. Gem: Who’s your favorite guitarist?
Litre: Myself.
Cheeta: Ask me a question. Gem: Alright. What do you like most about performing? Cheeta: Wearing costumes that would have been banned by the Moral Majority.
Gem: Uh—huh.
Cheeta: Want to see one? Gem: Uh, Doc, what was your hobby?
Doc: Beating my (expletive deleted) drums!
Cheeta: You didn’t answer my question.
Gem: That’s because I’m the one doing the interview. Now, Groan, what is your view on life?
Groan: Who gives a (cen- sored)?!
Cheeta: What about me ~— Gem: Litre, what do you do after a gig?
Litre: I don’t know.
Cheeta: That does it!
Gem: Kreap, what’s in store for the band?
Kreap: Last time I went there".
were guitars and guitar strings. I don’t know.
Gem: Does anyone know what’s going on?
Litre: Yeah. Cheeta’s getting ready to pounce on you. Gem: What?
Litre: Now you know why we call her Cheeta.
Gem.- Can I have your guitar? Litre: Sure. I was only goin to smash it.
Gem: Thanks!
Groan: I can’t bear to watch!
Cheeta: Then (expletive deleted) shoot yourself! The interview was over.
Somehow," I fended off .. away and I get a fre
vicious Cheeta with Litre’s
guitar and made it to my
Trans Am. Now they’re miles
a knock at the door. Oh, Gods-It’s hernagain. That
I wonder what they’ll-1do dQeS' it —%~;:r_10,.more,band
interviews. Iv’ll seeyou later,
Just a moment — there’s if Isurvive! n
Caption: “I know this is a tough street, but isn’t this overdoing it, guys?”