DOES 1 % DI’SCO REALLY SUCK? ‘

By JMC

This previous summer, I spent a lot of time investigating a phenomena that is so widespread it has been spat‘upon in almost every language on this Earth. I refer of course, to disco. My purpose was to investigate the claim that "disco sucks".

Naturally,the first thing to do was to experience disco first hand. So I dressed in my tightest pants and selected a suitable "disco" shirt, and headed for G.J. '5. What I encountered upon entering was a mass of intensely unpleasant vibrations able to knock out a frog at 10 meters (for you metric fans) .

The first question I asked myself was, "Why do apparently sane people‘ subject thesmelves to sud1 obvious punishment?" To‘ answer this I decided to analyze the 'music' itself. \ The main feature of disco is its never-ceasing beat of 2H2 (beats per second

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for you freshmen). Next I examined the possible ' relation to-lthe hman::bo'dy. There is alitt‘le known gland situated below the frontal lobe, called the pituitary gland. The pituitary makes hormones which affect growth, general metabolism, foetal development, and most importantly , sexual develop- ment and maintenance. NON, there is a well known formula for finding'the frequency of waves and

’ objects and such:

rl‘he mass of the pituitary is about 5g. "K" is a con- stant, in this case about 0.7896 Kg/sZ. From this, we can see that the natural frequency of the pituitary is 2Hz, Whid’l happens to be the exact frequency of the disco beat.

‘ This correlation becomes

less startling as more facts are noted: when the pituitary vibrates it produces hormones ‘

known as Follicle ’ , Stimulating Hormones (FSH)

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and Luienizing Hormones (LH) . (Biology students note.) In females, FSH: stiimlates the. follicles of the ovary to grow, and in males (it stimulates the development of sperm producing cells, while LH stimulates the formation of the corpus luteum in females and the production of testrone in males. As you can well imagine, the balance of

these hormones determines the sexual state of the subject at any given time.

. The over—production of

these hormones due to

' direct stimulation by the

disco beat causes in- creased sexual excitement in both sexes. This phenomena can be readily observed at any disco.

The over—product— ion of these hormones can- also lead to:

1. loss of. memory

2. premature senility

3. loss of hair.

4. an overpowering urge to vote NDP.

Most of these results were obtained through tests with rats (borrowed from fine psychology department) , and bacterial cultures (courtesy of Beaver Foods) . The ‘ organism were snbjected to cmtinual selections of disco music from the "Village People“, Silver Connection, and (only once) Donna Sumer's 15-minute orgasmic " love to loveyou baby".

._In light of these startling new finds, I feel that the claim "Disco Sud<s" is not only inadequate but also inappropriate and \should be replaced on all T—shirts, 7 ' magazines, etc. , with the phrase:

"'“p’I'SOO

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