SEPTEMBER 13, 2005

Fact and Opinion, STD Version (Note to readers: if you are at all squeamish, do not read this article.)

Pete Grandy Reporter

Fact: Gonorrhea (The Clap) is a highly contagious bacterial infection of the genitourinary system. Symptoms appear within a week after intimate contact, but they can take as long as 3 weeks to develop; 10-40 per cent of males and 10-80 per cent of females with gonorrhea are asymptomatic (symptoms aren’t displayed). In most cases inflammation generally causes a painful burning sensation during urination and the infected genitals discharge a whitish fluid, or pus. Opinion:

- Note to self: when clubbin’, leave

_ puffer at home.

- [heard the whitish fluid makes a great base for smoothies! E-mail the Cadre for the mouth watering recipe. ‘

Fact: Herpes is highly contagious and is transmitted by direct person-to- person contact. Transmission can occur from a lip ulcer to the genital area or from the lip or genitals to the eye. A genital rash and mild itching usually are the earliest signs of herpes. Eventually vesicles on the surface of the skin form, and then enlarge, break open, and ulcerate. There is no cure in sight. Opinion:

- Nothing turns my crank like a solid dry hump to the eye socket.

- This gives a whole new meaning to the song “Beautiful, Beautiful Brown Eyes”.

- If you are going down on someone and you come across blistering ulcers, you should probably reconsider.

Fact: Venereal Warts are an epidermal tumor of viral origin that is sexually transmitted. The incubation period is one to three months. The growths are

pinkish or flesh-colored and occur around the cervix, vulva, anus and anal canal, urethra and penis glands. Warts are notoriously stubborn.

Opinion:

- “No baby, those aren’t warts... I’m just allergic to my fabric softener.”

- Notoriously stubborn. ..ah crap.

Fact: Chlamydia are obligate intracellular parasites. Victims may not be aware they have the disease. In males who do have symptoms there usually is a painful urination and a watery discharge from the penis. Women may suffer itching and burning in the genital area, and an odorless, thick, yellow-white vaginal discharge. Opinion: - Any symptom with the word discharge is usually unfortunate. - Imade the mistake of picturing senior citizens with this infection. I recommend that you do the same.

Fact: Pubic lice (Crabs) infect pubic hair and live by sucking blood. They are spread through sexual activity but can be passed from clothing or objects, such as toilet seats and bed blankets. They cause the infected person to itch until the skin becomes raw. Crabs can be seen by the naked eye upon close inspection.

Opinion:

- Iapologize to those who frequent the CASS _ male/female bathroom.

- [like my meat raw.

- For all those bald eagles out there, catch them while you can.

- Guys, if she’s the new girl in school, wrap your tool and gals, he’s probably lying.

- If you were disgusted by this article, at least you didn’t have to do the research for it with a picture encyclopedia.

Dear Mr. Advice,

I’mso glad to hear that you’re going to be answering student’s questions again this year... I’m ina pickle, and you’re the only one I trust! So I met this girl (we’ll call her Sally) over the summer and we started hanging out. She was something else. Great hands, white teeth...super gal. Anyway, we got to talking about how sad it was that Rainbow Valley would be closing its

gates once and for all. We reminisced _

about the flume ride, the monorail and of course, the infamous ‘Bushwacker.’ I even told her about the time I met E.T. inside the UFO gift shop, but she didn’t believe me (much like everyone else). So we ended up going to Rainbow Valley on the last day it was open. It was very nice. We must have talked to Mrs. Owl for like 45 minutes! Anyway, near the end of the day, she suggested something that almost made me sick... THE WITCH’S CAVE. I damn near passed out. My knees got weak and my bladder gave way (I blamed it on a splash from the waterslides). I wasn’t born yesterday... I know the stories of the kid that fell through the trap door and had to eat cardboard for a week until they found him. I didn’t know what to do. She eventually dragged me (literally) to the cave and started to pull me in the door. Never in my 20 years have I been so scared. The terror! There were little kids behind me, pushing me into that hellish cave, further and further. I looked ahead of me, and all ofa sudden Sally disappeared into the floor! THE TRAP DOOR! I spun around and pushed those little brats out

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THE CADRE © 6

of my way and ran all the way back to town. I was SO scared. Approximately an hour later, they locked the gates of the Valley forever and I still don’t know what happened to Sally. Oh Mr. Advice, I can’t go to the cops... they’ Il think I did it. They’ II never believe me. It’s only a matter of time before they come asking though. What do I do? HELP!

Signed, Rainbow Valley Fugitive

Dear Fugitive,

I have some shocking news for you. Are you sitting down? Here it is: the only explanation is that this girlfriend of yours is must have been Satan himself. Look at the signs: 1) Nice hands, 2) Perfect teeth, 3) ENJOYS going to the Witch’s Cave, and 4) tried to make you go in yourself. No human soul dares enter that cave expecting to come out alive. I myself will probably have nightmares for the next month just reading your letter. You did the right thing. I believe that running from your problems is the best way to solve them. Just pray that the workers who disassemble Rainbow Valley will bury that cave rather than unleash the hell inside. Hope this helps!

lam, Mr. Advice

Send Mr. Advice your questions:

askmradvice@gmail.com