THE CADRE

A Student Union Production

CTR UT Editor-In-Chief

EAE Managing Editor

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Sarah K. Murphy

News Editor

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Te ae Ter he ea Ct: 1] aH Stephan McQuaid David MacDonald Kelly Mason PUTO UT

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Stephan Macleod

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Carley Branton WUC mC EL Sherri MacKenzie

Propoganda: The Cadre is published by the student union of U.PE.I. TCR Te DD

University Press (€.U.P)

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since 1969

Cool Love by Ladies Love Coolbreeze

I’m kind of worried about the end of the world. My church says that Jesus is going to pass final judgement on everyone and decide who gets to go to Heaven and who goes to hell. I hate being picked for things, and I’m as nervous about being told to go to Heaven as I am about par- ticipating in class discussions. I hate the attention. How can I get Jesus not to notice me?

Dear Ned:

You’re church is only half right about what’s going to happen when the world ends. Judge Judy will pass final judgement on everyone, not Jesus. There are a number of ways to avoid going to Heaven in her courtroom. Interrupt her when she’s talking, pre- tend like you need everything to be explained to you slowly and in detail, or hide under a table when she asks for your testimony.

Dear Coolbreeze: I met this guy on the internet and I

lied about my age. I told him ma >

thirteen-year old girl, but I’m an eighteen-year old guy. He told me he’s forty, and I really want this relationship to work. We plan on meeting each other soon, and I don’t know how he’ll react to my lie. What should I do? Steve “Cybersucker” Diesel

Dear Steve:

When you meet this guy, do your best to look like a thirteen- year-old girl.

Stuff your bra with kleenex, shave your beard, wear a ton of makeup, and cut off your pecker. The worst that could happen is that your cyber-mate shows up and he’s really a thirty-five year old pretending to be forty. If this hap- pens, don’t let on that you know. Go on the date with him pretending like you didn’t notice, and when the right moment arrives, tell him you’re preg- nant.

Dear Coolbreeze: This crusty, old man was flashing my friends and | one night when we were eating at Burger King. I told one of the employ- ees about him, but

he just ignored me. The guy kept show- ing us his wang, and I was too grossed out to finish my fries. As we got up to leave I yelled at the guy, “Put that thing away, you're not impressing anyone!” and he replied, “I’m the manager of this restaurant, and I can do whatever I want.” I was so embarrassed be- cause he was obvi- ously right. I can’t believe I made such a fool of myself. My friends still talk about it and they nicknamed me “Stupidhead”.

Ally MacSqueal

Dear Ally:

You should learn to not get upset every time someone shows you his trouser snake. Your situation is typical of most Burger King restaurants. This franchise is built on flashers. McDonalds has a pedophile for a mascot, Wendys uses their transves- tite owner Dave Thomas in their logo, and Subway was started by a male prostitute ring. Fast food didn’t earn that title by serving food ina short amount of time; they don’t serve food and they’re not all that

fast. The title im- plies sloppy sex.

Dear Coolbreeze:

I recently overheard one of my mother’s phone conversations and she mentioned something about getting spanked in a dungeon. She doesn’t know that | heard this, and when I tried to casually bring up the subject in con- versation, “So how’s your ass?” she pretended like she didn’t know what I was talking about. I just want to find out where'l can get a spanking. The education system won’t allow teach- ers to do it anymore, and | can’t convince my . girlfriend to do it. Hank likes to Spank

Dear Hank:

It is clear that your mother doesn’t condone this behavior for you; otherwise she would have been more frank about the spank. In situa- tions like this, it is important to be honest with her. Maybe when she finds out you’ve been listening in on her phone conversations she’ ll give you the spanking you de- serve, you kinky bastard.

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